The Force Awakens: 25 Alternative Names For Star Wars VII [Weird & Wonderful Web]
Star Wars is back. The new film, titled The Force Awakens, is the first in a new trilogy set 30 years after the events of Return Of The Jedi, and it’s due to be released on Dec. 18, 2015. The name was revealed on the last day of shooting, with the following tweet making headlines around the world.
— Star Wars (@starwars) November 6, 2014
However, The Force Awakens has, as a title, left a lot of people disappointed. They claim it’s dull, predictable, and liable to mean the J.J. Abrams reboot is set to start slowly. So, unhappy with the title decided by Disney, the Internet suggested its own alternatives, 25 of which are listed below.
Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens And You’ll Never Believe What Happens Next #rejectedstarwarstitles
— Chris Aung-Thwin (@TeamBurma) November 6, 2014
A classic clickbait headline used to great effect there, and admit it, you’d be more inclined to watch Star Wars VII if that was the title.
Star Wars: He’s Just Not That Into Chewbacca. #rejectedstarwarstitles
— BigTurkier (@BigAngrier) November 7, 2014
A play on words of the title of the 2009 film, He’s Just Not That Into You. The question is, who is not into Chewbacca? Has Han Solo dumped him? No, say it ain’t so.
Not Han Solo!
STAR WARS: watch it or we’ll break Harrison Ford’s other foot #rejectedstarwarstitles
— Kelly Hollis (@Vicious_pen) November 6, 2014
Fine, you have convinced me, I’ll go and see Star Wars VII. Harrison Ford is a national treasure, and I’m not sure how many more bones he can break before he can take no more.
Starring Snoop Dogg
Drop it like it’s Hoth #rejectedstarwarstitles
— Adz (@adz_ski) November 7, 2014
A play on words of the song, Drop It Like It’s Hot by Snoop Dogg and Pharrell. Ironically, Hoth isn’t at all hot, being a planet blanketed by snow and ice. So there.
Reality Star Wars
“Keeping Up With The Calrissians” #rejectedstarwarstitles
— David Leavitt (@David_Leavitt) November 7, 2014
I’ll be honest and admit I’d be much more likely to watch Keeping Up With The Calrissians than Keeping Up With The Kardashians. And Lando didn’t even need a sex tape to become famous.
#rejectedstarwarstitles ‘Luke, How I Met Your Father’
— KevinWoodley (@KevWoodleyToGo) November 7, 2014
A slight play on How I Met Your Mother, supposedly, but who is uttering this sentence? Luke’s mother is long dead, so this would require a major plot revision.
— Andy Holloman (@AndyHolloman) November 7, 2014
A play on the title of the novel The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. This works on several levels, because the Death Star did indeed have a fault in its design.
Star Wars: The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line #RejectedStarWarsTitles
— Alex Fitzpatrick (@AlexJamesFitz) November 6, 2014
What line? Who knows. But a Friends/Star Wars mash-up would be amazing. Monika would be the villain, obviously.
Not Starring Hugh Grant
Star Wars Episode VII: The Mandalorian Who Went Up a Sail Barge But Came Down a Sarlacc. #BetterStarWarsTitles
— David J. Snyder (@DavidJSnyder) November 6, 2014
This is an extraordinarily creative play on words of the title of the 1995 film, The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. Starring Hugh Grant. Oh dear.
#BetterStarWarsTitles Episode VII: Sith Happens
— Justin Robinson (@RevEnFuego) November 6, 2014
I would hope everybody reading this has the wherewithal to work out the anagram for themselves without me having to spell it out. Quite literally.
I Am Groot
This may seem like nothing more than a subtle dig at the chances of Star Wars: The Force Awakens sucking, but there’s a hidden truth there; Guardians Of The Galaxy is going to be hard to beat.
Star Wars Episode VII: The One That Will Be Totally Different On Remastered DVD In 25 Years’ Time #betterstarwarstitles
— Alex Gabriel (@AlexGabriel) November 6, 2014
I’m not sure DVDs will exist in 25 years, but that may be missing the point. Let’s just hope Disney has more respect for the originals than George Lucas ever did. That’s wishful thinking, I know.
Star Wars: Episode VII – Old People Trying to Remember How to Use the Force, Kinda #rejectedstarwarstitles
— Krista McLaughlin (@kjmclaugh) November 6, 2014
Harrison Ford is 72-years-old, Mark Hamill is 63-years-old, and even Carrie Fisher is 58-years-old. This title may turn out to be painfully true.
STAR WARS: TITLES ARE HARD SO WE DIDN’T BOTHER BECAUSE YOU’LL PAY TO SEE THIS ANYWAY #BetterStarWarsTitles
— M. E. Giblets (@LunarFlight) November 6, 2014
Yep, he’s right, I will, you will, and all of the other Star Wars geeks in the world will go and see the new movies no matter what. So, why bother?!
Star Wars: The Lens Flare Strikes Back #betterStarWarsTitles
— Jenn (@msjenncw) November 6, 2014
J.J. Abrams is a fantastic filmmaker, but he does go just a little overboard with the lens flare. Let’s hope The Force Awakens isn’t blighted by it too much.
Star Wars Episode VII: Citizens on Patrol #betterstarwarstitles
— Mark Cellan (@markcellan) November 6, 2014
This is a reference to Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, one of the worst films you’re ever likely to see. Let’s hope Star Wars VII turns out better than that pile of steaming horse excrement.
Record Box-Office Takings
Star Wars VII: Shut Up & Take My Money #rejectedstarwarstitles
— Jared Sandman (@JaredSandman) November 7, 2014
Enough already, just get the film out in theaters so I can go and see it. And be disappointed. And curse George Lucas, Disney, and J.J. Abrams all the way home.
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Hits Snooze #BetterStarWarsTitles
— Richard W. Maass (@richardmaass) November 6, 2014
If the force is anything like the rest of us, it won’t want to get out of bed for a good few minutes after the alarm clock goes off.
Star Wars VII: Steamboat Wookie #BetterStarWarsTitles
— Justin Marcus (@acejamma) November 6, 2014
A slightly snarky references to Steamboat Willie, the first Walt Disney short to feature Mickey Mouse. And now I want to see a remake with Chewbacca cast in the starring role.
Corellian Captain’s Mandolin #BetterStarWarsTitles
— Paul Brown (@foolmentaljoker) November 6, 2014
A very clever play on words of the title of the 2001 film, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Starring one Nicolas Cage. Please give him a cameo in Star Wars, J.J., the Internet demands it.
Han & Luke Go to Whitecastle #betterStarWarsTitles
— Jesse Houston (@jessedhouston) November 7, 2014
This is a reference to Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, and suggests that Han and Luke are a pair of stoners in need of some food after getting high. Stranger things have happened.
Star Wars: Episode VII: Rebel Scumdog Millionaire #betterstarwarstitles
— Dante Reyes (@GoDanteGo) November 7, 2014
With this mash-up of a quote from Return Of The Jedi and the title of the 2008 film, Slumdog Millionaire, I’m now imagining a Bollywood version of Star Wars. And it’s joyful.
C-3PO & R2-D2’s Excellent Adventure! #BetterStarWarsTitles
— Sith Pastor (@DarthBaptist) November 7, 2014
A remake of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure with the titular Bill and Ted played by C-3PO and R2-D2? I’m in.
Star Wars Episode VII: We Put The Lid Lid Back On The Jar Jar #BetterStarWarsTitles
— James McLaren (@JamesHMcLaren) November 7, 2014
There are plenty of title suggestions featuring Jar Jar Binks, and none that are particularly complimentary to the character who ruined the prequel trilogy. This is my personal favorite.
Star Wars Episode 7: Your Youth is Over, Nostalgia Will Never Bring It Back Just Accept You Will Die Soon
— Patrick Brennan (@Pat_Bren) November 6, 2014
That’s a little harsh, but, who are we kidding, it’s all true too. Star Wars was once the best thing we had in our lives, and now it’s just another Disney franchise, and we’re all old. Damn you, J.J. Abrams, damn you to Ryloth!
Suggest Your Own Title For Star Wars VII!
You have seen our pick of the alternative names for Star Wars Episode VII, but do you have a better suggestion? Either choose your favorite from the #BetterStarWarsTitles and #RejectedStarWarsTitles hashtags on Twitter, or, even better, conjure an original one up from your own mushy gray matter. Either way, leave a comment below telling us what Star Wars VII would be named had Disney left the decision entirely up to you.
Image Credit: Piutus via Flickr [Broken Link Removed]