Giving tech gifts may make you feel warm inside, but sometimes seeing your loved ones tearing open presents isn’t as good as watching your worst enemy unwrap a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A gift which you know is going to bring them years of misery.
Here are nine tech gifts to buy your worst enemy.
1. Any 3D Movie
Kicking off the list is one of those things that promised to be “Better than ever!” Namely, 3D. The shambled efforts of manufacturers to provide three dimensions on a two-dimensional plane has finally led to Sony and LG dropping support for 3D earlier in 2017. Turns out trying to trick our brains into doing this, is more difficult than we thought.
Many reviewers describe 3D films as unnecessary, distracting, and nausea-inducing. And that makes them the perfect tech gifts for that neighbor from the abyss. The thought of them adorning the dorky glasses will replace the ill feelings for the time when they kept the music at full volume into the early hours of the morning. For best effect, find a movie that was originally shot in 2D, then cheesily converted to 3D.
2. Samsung S8 Case
The two-piece official cover for the Galaxy S8 might go down as the most hideous thing known to the human race. When you make a case, that’s less aesthetically pleasing than a blobfish, you know you’ve done well to earn that title.
All the versions of this case, bar the black, come with different top and bottom colors. I guess the version of MS Paint used in its design was broken as well. My guess is the preschoolers who designed this case were not allowed the extra playtime in the sandpit and revolted. This case will not only make your giftee look ridiculous — it will offer their S8 the least amount of protection possible.
3. Norton Anti-Virus and Utilities [No Longer Available]
Oh, look, a can of worms! Bloatware is a great way to serve up a cold dish of revenge. A free antivirus and some common sense are all you need to prevent getting infected. If you’re a little apprehensive to spend money on something that should be native to the operating system, I don’t blame you.
Rumours have it that products like Norton bring your machine to a grinding halt, thereby stopping you using your computer, therefore not leaving you in a position to get a virus. Prevention is better than cure! The string of expletives leaving your enemy’s mouth will eventually sound like a string quartet to your ears.
In the list of reasons why machines decide to destroy humanity, this product has the potential to be top five. For $200 you get an oddly shaped shoe horn with bone conduction capability. The result is both unpleasing aesthetically and musically.
Buying the Batband for your antagonist will introduce them to a world of frustration. For the sound to be audible, you need to move them so close to your ears they may as well be headphones. Presumably, aliens landed and saw this device. They then decided we as humans are beyond help and they returned to their world with all their secrets.
Imagine your rival unwrapping an Apple product. Now imagine it being the latest Magic Mouse. Still not convinced that it’s among the best tech gifts for someone you don’t like? Would a 2.5-star rating on the Apple website change your mind?
If the carpel tunnel syndrome cause by the oddly shaped mouse doesn’t get them, the design choice to put the charging port on the underside of the mouse will. When they desperately need to charge and use the mouse, it won’t be possible. Thanks, Jony Ive!
Okay admittedly, this is going to set you back a few rupees, dollars, or whatever. However, wouldn’t you like colors so sharp they could cut someone?
Of course, after your foe falls for the marketing promise of better audio and video, you’ve ensnared them. In case that’s not enough, several manufacturers will also give you the option of burning in your cables or cryogenically treating them.
So absolutely none of those methods are backed by evidence. Now, when you visit your foe’s house, and they admit to the quality being improved due to their cryogenically treated power cable, you can bask in their ignorance.
7. New Mac Candle
Nothing says “I own a Mac and you can’t afford one” like the New Mac Candle from TwelveSouth. This candle tries to replicate the smell of a freshly unboxed Apple Mac. If the thorn in your side already owns a Mac, this candle can remind them of the copious amount of money they have spent on their Mac.
If you want a candle “that just works” or you want their house to smell like an Apple store the New Mac Candle will do the trick. Imagine the look on peoples faces when your rival has to explain the premise of this candle. Priceless!
8. Smabow Camera Hat
When the creators of the Smabow Camera Hat set out to surpass the absurdity of selfie sticks, they hadn’t banked on reaching levels of ridiculousness never be attained by a species. When your nemesis unpacks their new cap, be sure to share it on all your social media platforms.
9. Fake Flash
By far and large if you want to inflict the maximum amount of pain on your adversary get them a fake flash. Fortunately, eBay is rife with devious sellers marketing these drives. For prices as low as $15 you could get an advertised 2TB flash drive.
Sounds too good to be true? That’s because it is. Manufacturers of said device hack the firmware of the drive to report an incorrect size to the operating system. Now when your enemy tries to copy anything to the drive, it will start corrupting the initial files. It will also be excruciatingly slow as they tend not to surpass USB 1.0 speeds.
To make sure you are in possession of a fake flash you could run a tool such as FAKEFLASHTEST and look out for errors like these:
For bonus points, encourage them to back up critical information to their revolutionary gadget. Also, mention how unusual it is that larger manufacturers haven’t managed to achieve such a technological marvel.
Behind all this satire is a serious message. As much as we love technology, there are times where manufacturers have either been blind drunk, or they have ulterior motives. It’s good practice to conduct thorough research before making purchases, regardless of who the manufacturer is. Be safe out there!
Have you come across any weird tech products? Have you ever received a gift like some mentioned above? What tech gifts would you consider buying for someone you don’t like?
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