Tech News

Microsoft Announces Windows 11, Apple Launches New iPhone GI… [Tech News Digest]

Dave Parrack 01-04-2016

Microsoft gives up on Windows 10, Apple recreates the best phone ever made, Facebook changes the nature of friendship, Oculus teases the Oculus Prime, and MakeUseOf gives Donald Trump a job.


Forget Windows 10, Windows 11 Is Here!

Windows 10 is done. It’s over. And it’s time to move on to Windows 11. That’s the message emerging from Redmond today (April 1), as Microsoft has decided enough is enough. According to well-placed sources, so many people have made complaints about Windows 10 7 Things That Really Annoy Us About Windows 10 It's not a secret that Windows 10 isn't perfect. Cortana borders on being intrusive, mandatory updates can cause issues, and much appears half-baked. We present our top 7 of most glaring Windows 10 annoyances. Read More that it has hurt Microsoft’s feel-feels. The result? Windows 10 is being killed in favor of a brand new operating system called… Windows 11.

A Microsoft spokesperson using the pseudonym Will Grates said,

“We thought Windows 10 was such a winner that it would survive for several decades. Unfortunately, our users disagreed. They have continually moaned about Windows 10 to the point that we have decided to can it in favor of Windows 11. Which is better than Windows 10 because it’s Windows 11. And two ones are better than one one and a zero. Obviously.”

Details about Windows 11 are thin on the ground right now, but it’s thought it will be exactly the same as Windows 10 in every conceivable way except one. That being that Cortana will listen to everything the user says How to Set Up Cortana & Remove Her in Windows 10 Cortana is Microsoft's greatest productivity tool since Office. We'll show you how to get started with Windows 10's digital assistant or how to turn Cortana off for improved privacy. Read More , and if they’re negative about Windows 11 in any way, shape or form, install Linux to remind them how bad things could be.

Apple Shocks the World With iPhone GI

Apple has launched another new iPhone, with the iPhone GI following hot on the heels of the iPhone SE. The iPhone SE made headlines The iPhone SE Is a Huge Disappointment, Apple Thinks Old PCs Are Sad... [Tech News Digest] Apple surprises no one with the iPhone SE, Apple thinks owning an old PC is "sad," Spotify boasts 30 million subscribers, Microsoft considers buying back digital games, and Liam is the robot that hates iPhones. Read More for being an iPhone 5 in all but name. The iPhone GI is a similar attempt at recapturing the past, with Apple taking its cue from the Nokia 3310. This is, therefore, a smartphone trapped in the body of a dumbphone.


The iPhone GI measures just 4.5″ by 1.9″ by 0.9″, and boasts a 1.5-inch screen. This features a gorgeous monochromatic display with a mind-boggling pixel density of 64.50 PPI. The battery should last at least a week, and amazing apps such as Snake and Calculator come as standard. The iPhone GI weighs in at 133 grams, and, unlike all previous iPhones, is virtually indestructible.

The GI in iPhone GI stands for “Gullible Idiot” and represents the first time Apple has admitted that its legion of fans can be a little too loyal at times. The company is therefore confidently predicting record sales for the iPhone GI. Pre-orders are being taken in a very specific way, as you’re required to approach any Apple Store staff member and whisper in their ear, “I’m a Gullible Idiot”. They will then know what to do.

Facebook Admits “Friends” Is a Stretch

Facebook is changing the name of the people you’re connected to on Facebook. Previously called “Friends”, these random people and occasional acquaintances 5 Reasons Why You Should Start Deleting Facebook Friends Once upon a time, Facebook was all about adding; more social used to equal more fun. Not anymore. Now it's all about deleting. Read More will now be referred to as “Barely Ordered Random Errant Strangers” to be a more truthful reflection of the relationship between you and your “BORES”.

Facebook CEO Spark Cyberborg stated:


“We pride ourselves on having completely obliterated the idea of friendship. In order to make and keep friends you need to leave the house occasionally, but no one does that any more. Instead they sit at home posting selfies and getting into arguments about politics. Therefore, friends are over, and BORES are in. We’re all BORES, and the sooner we admit it the easier life online will become.”

This news is only just breaking, so be sure to tell your Facebook friends they’re all massive BORES before someone else beats you to it.

Oculus Prime Is the Future of VR

Oculus VR recently launched the long-awaited consumer version of its first virtual reality headset, the Oculus Rift Read Oculus Rift Reviews, The FBI Hacks the iPhone... [Tech News Digest] What the Internet is saying about the Oculus Rift, the FBI beats Apple with outside help, the PlayStation 4.5 could be a thing, Tumblr brings back replies, and the cheap alternative to expensive VR headsets. Read More . However, the company is already working on the next iteration, which MakeUseOf can exclusively reveal to be the Oculus Prime.

The Oculus Prime, named as a cute tribute to Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, will do everything the Oculus Rift can do, but with one huge difference. Just like its namesake, it can transform into something else at the flick of a button. That something else being… an unwanted, unused gadget gathering dust on a shelf in the house of someone with too much time and money.


Incredibly, existing Oculus Rift owners don’t actually need to buy the Oculus Prime, as their humble headset will evolve over time thanks to some clever future-proofing technology. Just use your Oculus Rift as normal for the next few months and it will slowly transform into an Oculus Prime, and then disguise itself as an unwanted, unused gadget gathering dust on a shelf in the house of someone with too much time and money.

Donald Trump to Edit MakeUseOf

And finally, MakeUseOf has appointed Donald Trump Clicking Consequences: Why Donald Trump Is Your Fault Every time you click an article about Donald Trump, the media thinks that is what you want to read, and so it spends more time talking about Trump. Stop clicking! Read More as its new Editor-in-Chief. Trump will begin at MakeUseOf as soon as his quest to become the next President of the United States fails. He will then take charge of this website and direct its content to reflect his own unique views.

The Windows section will be rebranded Walls, and discuss the building and maintenance of walls between the U.S. and Mexico and the U.S. and Canada. The Finance section will be given a small loan of $1 million to guarantee its success.

The Smart Home and Security sections will be combined to offer advice on protecting your property against immigrants. And Giveaways will no longer be a thing, as you should go out and get a job rather than sit around expecting handouts.


Your Views on Today’s Tech News

Are you excited at the prospect of using the all new Windows 11? Will you be first in line for the new iPhone GI? What do you call the people you very occasionally talk to on Facebook? Is Oculus Prime the future of virtual reality? Will you carry on reading MakeUseOf once Donald Trump is installed as Editor-in-Chief?

Let us know your thoughts on the Tech News of the day by posting to the comments section below. Because a healthy discussion is always welcome.

Tech News Digest is usually a daily column paring the technology news of the day down into bite-sized chunks that are easy to read and perfect for sharing. Except for today, April 1, when Tech News Digest exists to fool you all. And we did fool you, just admit it.

Image Credit: Karlis Dambrans via Flickr

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  1. theone
    April 6, 2016 at 1:28 am

    What do you mean it was a joke? Because you didn't say upfront this was a parody, I have done some irreversible things. Whether or not you think it's funny, whether or not you intended for people to do irrevocable things based on your intentional attempt at "fooling" people, it has happened. Now we will see if "Make Use Of" will cover any forthcoming legal expenses. I would think not considering they will be covering their own rear end.

    Have a truly Litigious Day.

    • Dave Parrack
      April 6, 2016 at 9:13 am

      The worst you could have done in response to this article is a) announced to an Apple Store employee that you're a gullible idiot, or b) told your Facebook friends they're all massive bores. Neither of which are grounds for a lawsuit. Add to that the disclaimer at the end of the article announcing this as an April Fool and I can only assume you're trolling!

      • theone
        April 6, 2016 at 3:40 pm

        A) Don't own any Apple products
        B) Don't "Facebook"
        C) Don't imply directly or indirectly that others are "gullible idiots"
        D) Don't lack the ability to see when someone is applying the same 'April Foolishness' to myself that I did to them

        As to "trolling", I don't even own a boat. Really, I don't

  2. Mr_Know-It-All
    April 2, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    "I'm sorry Dave, but I can't do that."

  3. Anonymous
    April 1, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    You fooled me, Dave!

    • Dave Parrack
      April 4, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      Did I? Wow, I'm astonished. How far through did you get before realizing all may not be as it seems?

  4. Anonymous
    April 1, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    If you're going to foist an April's Fool jokes on the readers, you'll have to do better than the above. They are SO obviously transparent.

    • Dave Parrack
      April 4, 2016 at 10:30 pm

      Yeah, they weren't meant to really fool anyone. Think of it more as an exercise in parodying the usual tech news.

  5. Anonymous
    April 1, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    Damn... Some news just shock you..! Windows 11.... I am yet to consume Windows 10. Dave.
    It's an April Fool's day.!

    • Dave Parrack
      April 4, 2016 at 10:30 pm

      You got me! There's no prize for doing so though, sorry.

  6. Anonymous
    April 1, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    Happy April Fool's day :)

  7. Anonymous
    April 1, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Windows 11 - I dont think so Dave, still maybe someone will believe it :)

    • Dave Parrack
      April 4, 2016 at 10:31 pm

      Maybe I should have started smaller and built up to the Windows 11 story!