We all love Mario. In fact, it would be easy to argue that Mario is the single most beloved video game character of all time. He has appeared in innumerable games, and most of them are fantastic. His games are friendly for the hardcore gamer and the casuals alike. They offer fantastic mechanics, beautiful art styles, and spectacular level design. They are the game every platformer strives to be, and so few achieve.
However, Mario has a darker side. It is right in front of us every time we boot up one of his games. We are blind to the facts because we do not want to see it. We choose to live in ignorance because, as they say, ignorance is bliss. Today, I am here to expose the dirty secret that has been parading right in front of us all along. Mario is a hardened criminal. The crimes committed throughout Mario’s life are on par with anything Tommy Vercetti or Niko Belic have committed in Grand Theft Auto. Today I stand before you as the judge, jury, and executioner to bring the crimes of the great Mario to the masses.
Mario is a chronic abuser of fire. He runs along, and sees a cute little flower. He picks it up and then begins terrorizing the neighborhood. He shoots fireballs at anything and everything he sees. This despicable act is not only tolerated, millions of unsuspecting gamers around the world enjoy it. Clearly, Mario never met Smokey the Bear.
Arson is a serious crime, and Mario must be brought to justice. We can no longer stand by and let this man shoot fireballs without facing the consequences. Last time I checked, you need to take courses and have a license to shoot fireballs out of your hands. Have you ever seen Mario’s license? I certainly have not.
Destruction of Personal Property
Someone owns those bricks that Mario smashes, and that person is out a great deal of money. Mario has been disrespecting bricks for going on 20 years now, and no one seems to care. How would you like it if some little man came to your home and started smashing all of your precious bricks? You would not like it very much, I can tell you that.
Some poor person put their blood, sweat and tears into constructing perfectly square bricks with coins, mushrooms, leaves and flowers inside and Mario comes along and destroys them with no regard for personal property. It makes me sick to my stomach, and Mario will pay for this crime.
Do you run down the street and pick up random gold coins left behind by unsuspecting victims? Of course not, you are a kind, wholesome person. Mario, on the other hand, has no problem stealing every coin he can get his greedy little hands on. His mushroom addiction is not cheap, after all. How else is he going to collect those special green mushrooms that are so hot in the Mushroom Kingdom right now?
Mario has stolen so many coins in his career that it is clearly a case of grand theft. You would think after all this time he would have stolen enough, but for Mario, there is never enough. The more coins he has, the more coins he wants. These heinous acts of theft must be punished, and the citizens of The Mushroom Kingdom must have their coins returned.
Mario is a cold-blooded killer motivated by his desire to get the girl and make some coin. There is not a memorial large enough to remember the Goombas, Koopas, Piranha Plants, Boos, Shy Guys, and other members of the Mushroom Kingdom who have lost their lives at the hands of this great “hero.” These poor, innocent creatures were just wandering around, enjoying their life and suddenly, they are stomped into the ground by a fat plumber.
More than any of his other crimes we need to bring Mario to justice for his acts of murder. It is unacceptable to have this hateful little plumber wonder the streets at night when innocent Goombas are just trying to earn an honest living. Please, I implore you, bring Mario to justice.
Justice comes for us all. Mario is a criminal, and he needs to be punished for his crimes. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Mario,, tweet me, and I will alert Bowser, and he and I shall bring Mario to justice.
Now, a moment of silence for our fallen Goomba brothers . . .