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Krrrtttzzzz. Fzzzzzzz. This is a breaking report. An unknown, rabies-like disease is sweeping the nation. It appears to be transmitted through saliva. Please remain indoors. It is important to quarantine anyone who may have been bitten. There are some items in your home that may be of assistance. What follows is a special report from MakeUseOf…
Dave has already covered how to survive the zombie apocalypse and James has looked at what you need in an emergency survival kit, so I’m going to focus on taking out the oncoming undead horde instead.
Ever since Simon Pegg and Nick Frost argued over what vinyl records it was okay to throw at the zombies in Shaun of the Dead, I have wondered what tech items you should reach for first. After countless hours of
watching zombie movies detailed research, I am finally prepared to present my findings.
Use a MacBook Air as an Axe
If you’re anything like me, your laptop is always within easy reach. The MacBook Air, with its wedge design, hard aluminium case and Apple Care, is the perfect tool for the job. While the Air’s lightness will undoubtedly reduce some of its zombie-slaying potential, there are still several ways you can use it.
As you can see in the video below, the Air is more than capable of slicing through a cucumber. While not a perfect proxy for a zombie, it’s the best I could find on YouTube without spending far too much searching for “MacBook zombies.”
You basically have two different options for taking out a zombie with an Air. You can either send it flying through the air like a very expensive — and hopefully very dangerous — Frisbee, or you can get in close and use it as a handle-less ax. Unless you’ve a backup weapon and a solid data backup plan, I’d lean towards the second option. You don’t want to throw away your only weapon, and lose your 10 GB collection of cat pictures in the process.
Make Grenades from Lithium-ion Batteries
Andre Infante, our resident evil genius (but not Resident Evil genius as far as we know), suggests overcharging lithium-ion batteries to turn them into explosives. While this is obviously an absolutely terrible idea that will void the manufacturers warranty and should not ever be attempted by anyone, an exception can probably be made if there are zombies knocking at your door.
The best way to use batteries to blow up zombies is to set a trap. Remove all the batteries from whatever device they call home, and hook them up to the mains power. Without going into exactly how to do this, both for legal and moral reasons, you’ll first need to bypass the batteries’ safety circuits.
It’ll take a while for them to explode so carefully plant them somewhere and then, using yourself, or ideally your significant other, as bait, draw the zombies into the trap. Wait for the batteries to go boom and celebrate your victory.
Tear Apart Your Tech
Another suggestion from Dr. Evil, sorry, Andre, is to tear your tech apart to make a couple of different weapons. Inside almost every modern electronic device you own are capacitors. Connect these together, charge them up, and you’ll have a passable Taser. While there is some debate as to whether or zombies can be tased, it must be worth a try.
You can also strip the cables from everything you own and create a garrote. It won’t be the most effective weapon, but, if you can surprise a zombie, it should work.
If you’re fortunate enough to live somewhere with three-pin plugs, they make great caltrops. How do I know? Trust me, I know. Simply snip the plugs off their cables and scatter them, pins up, on the ground. When a zombie walks over one they’ll be maimed for the rest of their life, or death, or undead life.
The Ultimate Weapon
You probably have one of the hardest objects known to man lying in an old drawer somewhere without even realizing it. Yep, you guessed it, a Nokia phone from the early 2000s. Every model is functionally indestructible, but if I had to choose any, I’d recommend a Nokia 3310. If you can get your hands on one, you’ll have a bludgeon capable of taking out any zombie. And if you’re feeling really creative, attach it to a stick with some duct tape for extra range and power.
When a zombie gets close, batter it around the head with the Nokia. Its measly skull will prove no match for the angular corners and super-diamond hardness of the phone. Repeat ad infinitum for the rest of the undead horde.
As great a weapon as a Nokia is, it won’t help you much if you’re not prepared for a zombie attack. My three step preparation plan is a good framework to build from.
To start, practice slaying zombies in these highly realistic simulations. Second, learn the secrets of those who have lived through other zombie attacks. And finally, stay tuned to MakeUseOf and await further updates. Transmission ends. Krrrtttzzzz. Fzzzzzzz.
This is just my zombie apocalypse action plan. But we’re sure you have already devised your own. So, what great zombie-killing tech did I miss? Let us know in the comments.