After years of waiting, we all finally got to see the new product Apple has been working on for the past few years. It’s a watch, a smartwatch, a watch that is smart. Sort of. I mean, it needs to be paired with an iPhone to be anything other than a tiny, wrist-based brick, but the digital crown is kinda smart. And it tells the time. Which is a useful function for a watch.
This is the Apple Watch. Not the iWatch, just the Apple Watch, or Watch for short. It is either the best thing since sliced bread or a fugly piece of crap, depending on who is talking. Apple fanboys can read all about the Apple Watch, the iPhone 6, and Apple Pay in this rundown of the big event. Everyone else can join with me in openly mocking this bizarre new product.
Reality Distortion Field
“The Apple Watch. It’s like a watch, but we’re making it. Thank you for your money.” #AppleWatch
— Walt Mosspuppet (@mosspuppet) September 9, 2014
For those who aren’t up to speed on their tech journalists, Walt Mossberg is a veteran of the industry known for his love of all things Apple. Walt Mosspuppet is a parody account that had fun on the day of the Apple event. And this tweet was the pick of the bunch. It’s true too.
Jonathan Mann uploads a new song to YouTube every day, and Apple unveiling the Watch and iPhone 6 was his choice of subject for Sept. 9. He totally nails it too, with funny lyrics sung in the style of a Broadway musical.
Humans Are Overrated
I hear the Apple Watch can tell precisely how many seconds it’s been since your last meaningful interaction with a real human!
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) September 10, 2014
We have got used to our nearest and dearest ignoring us through dinner because they’re too ensconced in their smartphone, and now we’re going to have to contend with smartwatches too. If you’re spending time with a real human being just do the right thing and turn it off.
i Love It
iJustine managed to get her hands on an Apple Watch before the rest of us plebs. Or did she? No, she did not. She just drew on her wrist with marker pens and had a laugh at Apple’s expense. And rightly so.
The Wearable With No Name
I don’t like the name Apple Watch. I’m going back to calling it “Apple’s rumored entry into the wearables market.”
— Mark Gurman (@markgurman) September 11, 2014
As someone who writes a daily tech news column on this very site, I got used to conjuring up new names for “Apple’s rumored entry into the wearables market.” And all the company itself could come up with was Watch. Genius.
Risky Wrist Wrap
You could, if you really wanted to, go out and spend $700 on an iPhone 6 and another $350 on an Apple Watch. Or, like this guy, you could just strap an old iPhone to your wrist and be done with it. The choice is yours.
If the Apple Watch accurately measures wrist movement and heart rate it’s just a matter of time before it becomes known as the Fapple Watch.
— Steve Saul (@stephensaul) September 10, 2014
If you do decide to buy an Apple Watch, our advice is to take it off and hide it away in a drawer before embarking on a frenzied session of onanism. Even if there are new Jennifer Lawrence nudes being uploaded to 4chan.
Give Apple Money
Did he really imply through the power of satire that Apple Pay should be called “Give Apple Money.” He did. And he has a point.
Apple To The Core
— Christo Nation (@christonation) September 10, 2014
If we’re honest we could have filled this list with similar tweets, because a lot of people taped a real apple to their arm in honor of the new Apple Watch. But we chose this one, because that looks like one tasty apple, and one hairy arm. Which is quite the combination.
Time To Jump Through Hoops
The most important element of any watch, be it smart or dumb, Swiss or Taiwanese, is its ability to tell the time. The Apple Watch can tell the time perfectly fine, it’s just that there are a number of hoops to jump through before it’ll give up that sensitive data.
Laugh At The Lefties
Might as well just start burning lefties on the stake as witches if Apple won’t acknowledge us. Demon-brood that we are. #AppleWatch
— Veronica Belmont (@Veronica) September 9, 2014
If you’re left-handed then I have some bad news… Apple hates you. It must do, because the Apple Watch is designed for right-handers, and lefties be damned. OK, so there are actually rumors it caters to both, but no one had informed Veronica Belmont by the time she tweeted about it.
Watch Hitler React
It doesn’t take much to get Hitler all riled up, as can be seen in our list of the best Hitler Reaction videos. The latest thing to get on his wick? Why, the iPhone 6 and Apple Watch, of course. But on this particular occasion he makes some good points.
And it can all be yours for the low, low price of $999,999,999,999.99 (with lifetime contract + soul of your first-born). #applewatch
— Matt Bailey (@mattbailey) September 9, 2014
At that price I’ll take two. Who is with me?
This is a beautiful parody of the Apple Watch announcement video, with just the right look and feel meshing nicely with the mocking script. “You can share your heartbeat, for some reason.” If anyone has figured out what the point of that feature is then please send your answers on a postcard to no one in particular.
Reasons To Be Watchful
Ten reasons you need that #applewatch: 1. Er…
— Ben McPherson (@TheBenMcPherson) September 10, 2014
I could easily write an article detailing 10 reasons you may want the Apple Watch. But listing 10 reasons you need one? That’s impossible. No one needs this thing. Not even Apple.
Add A Video Or Tweet To The List!
We hope you derived at least one laugh from this list of amusing reactions to the announcement of the Apple Watch. If not then a) sign up to undergo a sense of humor bypass, and b) scroll down to the comments section below to share a video or tweet about the Apple Watch that did make you laugh. You miserable misanthropes.
Image Credit: Terry Johnston via Flickr