Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered

Guy McDowell 06-04-2009

Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered cultpaperbagCults are awesome. Well not really but that got your attention didn’t it?


As I was contemplating Easter approaching and the fact that just a couple thousand years ago, Christianity was considered a cult, I got to thinking. I thought, “Hey, Christianity was a cult. Maybe some cults aren’t so bad. Maybe I should join one.”

But there’s one big problem with me joining a cult. I’m lazy. I don’t want to be bothered with waiting for someone to knock on my door and offer me a bunch of stuff and tell me they love me even though they don’t know me.

So I did what all intellectually-lazy people do when trying to figure out the divine. I hit the web.

Join a Cult Online

There were a few prospective cults I could join from the comfort of my own home, for no real cost.

Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered daveThe Cult of Dave had a good concept – worship Dave. You can simply join by being ‘Daved’. That means you change your name to Dave for the purposes of the cult. Or, if your name already is Dave, well, you’re in!


And for attractive women, you just have to become a Dave-Babe, which means, “…serving and servicing Dave…”. In return you can claim ownership of all the land. Could be a good deal. Dave is a cop and some women are into that.

But if all the Dave-Babes are with Dave, then what’s in it for the other Daves?

It also turns out that Devo is unacceptable to Dave, so I guess I’m out of that cult. Devo rocks. Period.

Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered scott siglerThere there is Siglerism –  the cult of horror writer Scott Sigler. He appealed to me with his divine logic that if Scientology was started by a sci-fi writer then all is fair game. Seemed like a good enough reason to join, but then I read something about “…getting Scott’s face tattooed on your boobies.”


First, he must be divine if he knows I have man-boobies, but he must be evil if he thinks I’ll mar them with a tattoo of him.  Look at him, he looks quasi-evil Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered realitydoesn’t he?

Ultimately, I settled on the Church of Reality, because nothing is more messed up than reality. And they pretty much believe the same as I do, only except I believe there is a God.

But they also say I have to think for myself, which is really the opposite of the reason I would join a cult. So, even though I joined them, I don’t think I would stay with it.

Start a Cult

Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered emerilThat left me with one other option – to start my own cult! Hitting the web again, I found StartYourOwnCult. Dr. Emiril Lazarus means business when he talks about starting your own cult.


There are several articles here ranging from the spiritual side of the cult, such as “Finding the New Jerusalem” to good old economics such as “Using Recruits for Fundraising”. He’s even got the exit plan covered with, “How to Use a Scapegoat”. Dr. L. you are a genius! And keen fashion sense too!

Nothing says God-incarnate like a 5 o’clock shadow and a big cross on your lapel.


Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered knappBut all this cult joining and starting is a LOT of work! I’m starting to think that maybe cults aren’t that great an idea. Maybe I should get some help and be deprogrammed.

Ugh, I really don’t want to go to therapy though – there’s a good episode of Supernatural on tonight. Maybe I’ll just sign up for the
Online Cult-Recovery Support Group over at Knapp Family Counselling.


Oddly enough, this was the most expensive part of my cult experiences today.

Whew! That was a busy Monday. All that religion stuff takes a lot out of me. Time for some pizza and a nap. So mote it be.

Got any great cults you’d like to share? Praying I’ll burn in Hell/Abbadon/Detroit? Want to make me your God? Let me know in the comments.

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  1. Yarima
    December 21, 2019 at 5:18 pm

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  2. Hajara clement
    September 23, 2019 at 10:09 am

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  5. bolinga
    April 3, 2019 at 7:48 am

    i want to join to get money an success in life like you

    • Gadasco Friday
      July 10, 2019 at 11:36 pm

      To make money and become rich

  6. Daniel smyth
    March 31, 2019 at 7:18 pm

    I want to join I want to give my life to you

  7. hyeladi
    March 8, 2019 at 2:47 pm

    I want to join , highly reply and lead me for I will follow it if possible

  8. Jason
    November 15, 2018 at 7:45 am

    I will join any as long as I get money

  9. Jason
    November 15, 2018 at 7:42 am

    I'll do anything as long as I get money

  10. Oche
    August 25, 2018 at 7:09 pm

    I want to join the occultic

  11. Saviour
    August 25, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    I wan't to belong pls wat wil i do to be rich dis my number 09022823819

  12. Scott Sigler
    August 15, 2018 at 2:17 pm

    Siglerism is the best cult. The best.

  13. Aliyu musa
    August 13, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    i want to join cult group,i want to be richand without sacrifys of my family but any body else. my number is 08131275108

    • detydshv
      May 20, 2019 at 10:12 am

      u are wicked

  14. clinton markus
    July 31, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    a very good thing i want you to come and carry me now

  15. kaitlyn
    October 5, 2017 at 1:43 pm

    you can totally be my god!

  16. White Devil
    August 10, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    I have the overwhelming desire to be controlled by others, give my money away and generally not think for myself.....................OH WAIT! I just took a shit and the urge is gone!! Funny what cheap Vodka will do for ya!

  17. mmmmmm
    March 20, 2017 at 8:52 am

    i have reached the most rotten depths of the darkest abyss nd the farthest beyond beyond the infinite please spare me oh lucifer spare me CHOOSE me i need new purpose nd fuel to even take another breath in this decaying body; contact me-3013185958

    • Gadasco Friday
      July 10, 2019 at 11:41 pm

      To get money and become rich

  18. #notbothered
    March 11, 2017 at 1:29 pm

    There's another one! It's a closed Facebook group disguised as a "safe space" for young women, and women only. You can only get in if their leader thinks you're worthy, pretty much. Although not classified as a cult, what goes on is pretty much the exact same, and their "leader" ticks off every sign of a cult leader. Lost many friends because of it, but I'm happy to have a brain

  19. elvis brech
    February 3, 2017 at 7:03 am

    We are glad to share this to the most zealous and harden heart individual who ply to eradicate poverty from his/her life forever.We are the unknown and the most powerful and deadliest elite hood worldwide that offer power and wealth to most occult hood and interested individuals worldwide on ( us you can transcend and have your wish in your hand.We are not Illuminati or free mason hood but we give life and heart desires to them anytime they seek for it."sorry to say"We originate from Indian and wadge our power from Malaysia.which makes us the most powerful.
    We don't beg people to be initiated to the powerful hood as pastors,political members,native doctors,suit Sayer,prophets,imams,marine kings and queens,coven's head,entertainment CEO"S,On stage artist and actress,footballers and other relevant personnel are members. but once you come across this article and decide to join to be powerful,wealthy,gain full control of the people in the world,gain control of the money in the government houses,remote the things of this life and let them be at your own wishes.then we are here to give you that opportunity.
    Once you make up your mind to join us,we will consecrate you using vultures as purification and sacred item.This live animal is allowed to fly away and become your agent you can now order the vulture will serve as contact between you and the god of the brotherhood.This vulture is only active in the midnight when you sent him on errand.And each nite it can bring you fortunes upon fortunes for the rest of your life.Every night this animal agent bring to you little preys from the gods and drop on your rooftop,
    each prey drop on the roof of your house where you sleep is meant for power,wealth fame,control and lot more.This pays more than blood money all you need is to hearken to the instructions and follow due process of the elite hood.About 25% of Malaysia boys and ladies,20% of Indians and all over the world are members.The step in becoming a member is very easy.what we require of you at first is your boldness and burning desires.To proceed all you need to do is to forward your personal details to our temple via:( call only this line for details:+2348083745557.Notice to all awaiting members any email and phone line different from the one above you come across online asking you to pay some amount of money is a should ignore.Beware of scams!!!

    • nguty solomon
      July 15, 2017 at 1:18 pm

      I want to be rich wealthy and famous without human from cameroon

    • Nombuyiselo
      August 15, 2017 at 1:49 pm

      I'm interested in joining pls help I need to get rich.

    December 19, 2016 at 7:37 am

    i Daniel ouma onyango am eargaly want to join you am staying in naiorobi am 25 years my number 0792313795 email danielouma26@gm

  21. Verunpauline
    February 28, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    I want to join a cult and get money i'm tired of living a poor life .where can i find one you can contact me if you get

    • Guy McDowell
      February 29, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      Cults don't give you money. They take your money.

  22. Kaitlin
    February 20, 2016 at 7:31 am

    I'm thinking of joining a cult I just don't know where to begin

    • Guy McDowell
      February 29, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      Not to be mean, but probably with a psychologist.

    • kaitlyn
      October 5, 2017 at 1:52 pm

      what kind of cult?

  23. Nicole yung
    March 2, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    I want to be a cult member. Do you have to be Christianity to join up? Please I want to experience the cult way of living.

    • Guy
      March 4, 2015 at 1:22 am

      Um, seriously? Just so we're clear, being in a real cult is like being in a medieval prison, only you think you really want to be there.

      It's one thing to associate yourself with people with common beliefs, but to hand over complete control of your life, and possibly death, to some delusional psychopath is NOT a good idea.

      • david
        May 19, 2016 at 8:48 pm

        why would u say that? How do U know? Have u been in a cult before?

  24. pipiro
    May 11, 2009 at 6:51 am

    guys Cult is not encouraging to any one at all so stop preaching about it

  25. Felix
    April 13, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Like 2 join a cult

    • jessica denise duncan
      February 29, 2016 at 1:19 am

      me plez

  26. Scott Sigler
    April 7, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    You bastard, we will get you. If you even THINK about joining Siglerism, you are already in. That helps us eliminate paperwork (save the trees!), and drastically improves our recruitment ratios. You were in. There is no getting out. You bastard, sooner or later you will have my face tatted on your man-boobies.

    • Guy McDowell
      April 7, 2009 at 10:05 pm

      The Sigler commands, I will obey.....must tattoo moobs.:O

      • mchlbk
        April 8, 2009 at 7:31 am

        HAHAHA! :D

  27. Jasmino924
    April 7, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    I vote that someone joins a McDowellerism cult!

  28. J
    April 7, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Christianity is not a cult and it never was a cult. It may have been thought of as a cult in it's infancy, but that was by people who didn't understand and chose to make judgment without educating themselves first.

    • Guy McDowell
      April 7, 2009 at 1:54 pm

      "According to Rodney Stark's A Theory of Religion, most religions start out their lives as cults or sects, i.e. groups in high tension with the surrounding society. Over time, they tend to either die out or become more established, mainstream and in less tension with society. Cults are new groups with a novel theology, while sects are attempts to return mainstream religions to what the group views as their original purity.[15] As set out by Stark and Bainbridge, the term "cult", is used distinctly among the general definitions, and is closely related to the historically changed definitions of "sect." In this contemporary view, a "sect" is specifically "a deviant religious organization with traditional beliefs and practices," as compared to a "cult" which indicates a "a deviant religious organization with novel beliefs and practices."

      Since this definition of "cult" is defined in part in terms of tension with the surrounding society, the same group may both be and not be a cult at different places or times. For example, Christianity was by this definition a cult in 1st and 2nd century Rome, while in fifth century Rome it became rather an ecclesia (the state religion)."

      That's Wikipedia's take on it. I neither agree nor disagree with this outlook on first-century Christianity.

  29. manwithcake
    April 7, 2009 at 11:00 am

    I thought this was, not

    • JK
      April 7, 2009 at 12:52 pm

      I actually clicked on that link; what a waste of time.

      • Guy McDowell
        April 7, 2009 at 1:50 pm

        You clicked on Doesn't that redirect to the IRS? ;-)

  30. mchlbk
    April 7, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Love this article as it pretty much sums up how so-called religious movements are built in the first place.

    Christopher Hitchen's book "god is not Great" ( is a very good read on this subject.


  31. Guy McDowell
    April 6, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Kyle - yes indeed, real cults do destroy lives.

    I should also be upfront about the counseling services, since they are the only serious thing in this article. No, I didn't really sign up and go through counseling with Knapp Family Counseling. John Knapp does offer sliding scale fees for counseling so that they are affordable for everyone who needs help.

    Fortunately, John has a good sense of humour. I should have asked him if I could use his site in my article first. To be clear, I have really gone through a cult experience a few years back and was fortunate enough to find a counselor that charged on a sliding scale, like John Knapp does. Were it not for those counselors and family and friends, I doubt I would be alive today.

  32. manni
    April 6, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I was a little concerned when I read the title, but you took a humorous look at it so it's fine for me. I had to look twice when it appeared in my feed reader though because the headline is just unreal :D

  33. Kyle
    April 6, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Cults destroy lives

  34. John M. Knapp, LMSW
    April 6, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    I really appreciate the humor of Guy's article. But Guy has never joined our online support group for former members at Knapp Family Nor would he have found it expensive had he chosen to. The fee for the group is charged on a sliding scale, according to ability to pay, and there always members who are charged nothing because they simply do not have the money. It's not at all uncommon for members of some toxic groups to contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars for various "advanced courses" or tithing to their leaders. Somehow I doubt that Guy could have possibly spent that much on the time-limited, inexpensive counseling services I offer. By all means, please check out < and decide for yourself. J.