Cults are awesome. Well not really but that got your attention didn’t it?
As I was contemplating Easter approaching and the fact that just a couple thousand years ago, Christianity was considered a cult, I got to thinking. I thought, “Hey, Christianity was a cult. Maybe some cults aren’t so bad. Maybe I should join one.”
But there’s one big problem with me joining a cult. I’m lazy. I don’t want to be bothered with waiting for someone to knock on my door and offer me a bunch of stuff and tell me they love me even though they don’t know me.
So I did what all intellectually-lazy people do when trying to figure out the divine. I hit the web.
Join a Cult Online
There were a few prospective cults I could join from the comfort of my own home, for no real cost.
The Cult of Dave had a good concept – worship Dave. You can simply join by being ‘Daved’. That means you change your name to Dave for the purposes of the cult. Or, if your name already is Dave, well, you’re in!
And for attractive women, you just have to become a Dave-Babe, which means, “…serving and servicing Dave…”. In return you can claim ownership of all the land. Could be a good deal. Dave is a cop and some women are into that.
But if all the Dave-Babes are with Dave, then what’s in it for the other Daves?
It also turns out that Devo is unacceptable to Dave, so I guess I’m out of that cult. Devo rocks. Period.
There there is– the cult of horror writer Scott Sigler. He appealed to me with his divine logic that if Scientology was started by a sci-fi writer then all is fair game. Seemed like a good enough reason to join, but then I read something about “…getting Scott’s face tattooed on your boobies.”
First, he must be divine if he knows I have man-boobies, but he must be evil if he thinks I’ll mar them with a tattoo of him. Look at him, he looks quasi-evil doesn’t he?
Ultimately, I settled on the Church of Reality, because nothing is more messed up than reality. And they pretty much believe the same as I do, only except I believe there is a God.
But they also say I have to think for myself, which is really the opposite of the reason I would join a cult. So, even though I joined them, I don’t think I would stay with it.
Start a Cult
That left me with one other option – to start my own cult! Hitting the web again, I found StartYourOwnCult. Dr. Emiril Lazarus means business when he talks about starting your own cult.
There are several articles here ranging from the spiritual side of the cult, such as “Finding the New Jerusalem” to good old economics such as “Using Recruits for Fundraising”. He’s even got the exit plan covered with, “How to Use a Scapegoat”. Dr. L. you are a genius! And keen fashion sense too!
Nothing says God-incarnate like a 5 o’clock shadow and a big cross on your lapel.
But all this cult joining and starting is a LOT of work! I’m starting to think that maybe cults aren’t that great an idea. Maybe I should get some help and be deprogrammed.
Ugh, I really don’t want to go to therapy though – there’s a good episode of Supernatural on tonight. Maybe I’ll just sign up for the
Online Cult-Recovery Support Group over at Knapp Family Counselling.
Oddly enough, this was the most expensive part of my cult experiences today.
Whew! That was a busy Monday. All that religion stuff takes a lot out of me. Time for some pizza and a nap. So mote it be.
Got any great cults you’d like to share? Praying I’ll burn in Hell/Abbadon/Detroit? Want to make me your God? Let me know in the comments.