Apple gets religious, Microsoft smashes Windows, Google takes a day off, Facebook culls Friends, vowels get banned, and MakeUseOf announces new offshoots.
Apple Officially Becomes a Religion
I think Apple could legitimately claim they are a religion.
— Bob Schooley (@Rschooley) March 30, 2015
Apple has officially become a religion, making the transition from technology company to technology cult. Apple already has places of worship in the form of Apple Stores, and many millions of followers who line up each Saturday to pay their respects.
As part of the transition, the company/cult has released a holy book detailing the story of how Apple was founded in the Garage of Jobs. Followers will now be officially known as Fanboys, even if they’re actually girls. God will be renamed iGod to ensure the branding remains consistent.
Apple CEO Tom Cack said, “We realized a few years ago that with so many people around the world slavishly following our every move this was a good opportunity to start our own religion. The added bonus being how generous the tax breaks are for religions. Because we want more money. Give us money. Now.”
Microsoft Calls Time on Windows 10
We can exclusively reveal that Microsoft has cancelled Windows 10, deciding that people just don’t care enough about the new operating system for them to carry on making the effort. Instead, the company will simply re-release Windows 8.1 with Windows 10 branding plastered on the boxes, and hope for the best. It’s believed most people won’t even notice the difference.
Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballbag said, “Why did they get rid of me and promote that Nadella guy instead. He is so boring with his sensible business decisions and forward-thinking attitude. What the world needs are larger-than-life company bosses who dance around on stage screaming at the top of their lungs. Oh, Windows 10? What? I really don’t care, I still use XP myself.”
Google Does Nothing For a Whole Day
Google looks back: https://t.co/eDSpmLwiHv
— Salil Tripathi (@saliltripathi) April 1, 2015
Google has finally had a day off, with all of its employees banned from doing anything worthwhile or
working on Google+ anything pointless. This means no new products no one wants will be announced, and no old services everybody loves will be killed off for no apparent reason.
Google Chairman Eric Schitt stated, “We felt people may be getting bored of us actually doing stuff 365 days of the year, so we called a temporary halt to proceedings. We’re planning on sitting in our plush offices twiddling our thumbs for the next 24 hours, but if an employee creates a thumb-twiddling app to do the hard work for them they’ll be fired on the spot.”
Facebook No Longer Has Any ‘Friends’
Facebook has finally admitted the truth that the rest of the world realized a long time ago, conceding that your “friends” on the social networking site probably aren’t actually your friends. To this end, it has changed ‘Friends’ to ‘Random-strangers-you-may-or-may-not-have-known-once-upon-a-time-but-now-don’t-care-one-iota-about’ Which is catchy.
Facebook CEO Mark Suckerberg admitted, “I’m lonely. Very lonely. Which, if I’m honest, is why I started Facebook in the first place. Sadly, despite having collected 1.4 billion friends on Facebook I still sit alone each evening eating a ready meal for one while watching Extreme Couponing. Can I get a hug?” We quickly made our excuses and left, while Suckerberg blew his nose using $100 dollar bills.
Technology Startups Ban Vowels
That's neat. Guess he didn't have enough $$$ to buy all of the vowels pic.twitter.com/c7WJUe8G2e
— Elise Mercer (@ecmercer) March 21, 2015
After the success of Tumblr, Flickr, Grindr, and other tech companies that dropped a vowel from their name for no apparent reason, the technology industry has created its own law banning startups from using vowels entirely. And it’s being applied retroactively, meaning all tech companies must comply with the new ruling.
This means that Google will soon be known as Ggl, Apple will become Ppl, Yahoo will become Yh, Microsoft will become Mcrsft, and Instagram will become Nstgrm. Even MakeUseOf itself may be forced to change its name to Mksf.
An unnamed industry insider told us, “We realize this makes it almost impossible to pronounce the names of any tech companies, but we don’t really care. The future is all about consonants, with vowels having outstayed their welcome. Because we said so. Nw pls lv m ln s m vry bsy.”
MakeUseOf Announces More Offshoots
Millions read @MakeUseOf every month because it's not part of the hype train. We're helping people use tech, not helping companies push it.
— Justin Pot (@jhpot) March 31, 2015
And finally, this time last year we announced a number of new MakeUseOf offshoots that we felt would appeal to our core readership. They all failed. Every single one of them. But, undeterred, we’re trying again with a handful of new spin-offs that almost sound as if they’ve been made up by someone still drinking their first cup of coffee of the day.
BakeMeCake – How to bake cakes of all different styles.
TakeAbuseFrom – Where the abusive commenters are left to battle it out.
ShakeItOff – All Taylor Swift, all the time. At least until she dumps us.
MakeUseJoff – Where King Joffrey from Game of Thrones ended up after dying.
FakeNewsOf – Covering fake news stories and non-existent apps since 2015.
WakeMeUpBeforeYouGoGo – George Michael & Andrew Ridgeley talk Wham.
You can sign up to the beta versions of any or all of these new sites by emailing our tech guy James Bruce (email@example.com). He really loves talking to readers, and will happily spend hours conversing with you about anything and everything. But please do be nice to him, sending compliments rather than complaints, or he’ll probably kick me.
Your Views on Today’s Tech News
Does Apple have enough clout to start its own religion? Are those people you follow on Facebook actually your friends? Do you have your own ideas for MakeUseOf offshoots?
Let us know your thoughts on the Tech News of the day by posting to the comments section below. Because a healthy discussion is always welcome.
Oh, and Happy April Fools’ Day.
Image Credit: Peter Werkman via Flickr