Today in Tech News Digest, Apple doubles its prices, Microsoft hates you all, Google reveals (GL)Ass, Facebook and Twitter become TwitFace, an annoying couple launch a vague Kickstarter, MakeUseOf broadens its appeal, and the truth is revealed.
Apple To Double All Prices
Apple has announced a plan to double prices for all its products, in an attempt to wring the most money possible from its customers. Products affected include the Mac, the iPhone, the iPad, the iEye, the iLie, the iWiFiHiFi, and the iWhyOhWhyOhWhy.
An imaginary Apple spokesperson reportedly said, “We recently noticed that our customers are willing to buy any and all products we release, regardless of how overpriced they may be. So we thought why not double the prices in order to truly take advantage of their unswerving fandom and willingness to write blank checks in our name.”
Apple is currently worth 100 gazillion bajillion dollars. Apple customers are not.
Microsoft Hates You All
Microsoft hates you all, according to a statement not released today. New CEO Sadya Nutella revealed his stewardship of the company will be dedicated to honesty and truthfulness on all levels – even if that means abusing customers.
“Microsoft hates you all. Yes, each and every one of you,” the announcement said. “You are just numbers on a financial report released every quarter, and as long as you keep buying copies of Windows and Office we don’t care even one iota.”
A journalist then asked Nutella how Bing was performing, to which he replied he would have to Google the answer. He also admitted preferring the PS4 to the Xbox One but accepted that Titanfall was da bomb.
Google (GL)Ass Makes Its Debut
Google has released details of its latest non-existent wearable device. Following on from Google Glass and the Android Wear operating system comes Google (GL)Ass, which, as its name suggests, attaches to your ass. The (GL) stands for ‘Good Looking’, as Google believes the product helps augment the aesthetic appeal of your rear end.
Alongside the hardware, Google also announced a new range of apps meant just for (GL)Ass. These will be available via an Ass Store on Google Play and will include a fart strength-o-meter and a virtual reality colonoscopy game. When asked to comment on the (GL)Ass, Google told us to DuckDuckGo away.
Facebook and Twitter Merge Into TwitFace
So i heard twitter and facebook about to merge, they gonna call it twitface!!!!!— Mike Ricketts (@BigRicketts) March 22, 2014
Facebook and Twitter have announced a merger no one, not even themselves, saw coming. The merger is happening later today (April 1) under cover of darkness to ensure Jesse Eisenberg and the Fail Whale aren’t able to team up and stop it.
The newly merged company will be called TwitFace. This name was agreed upon after much debate, by me, sitting on the toilet. Other options included FaceTwit, BookTwit, FaceTwittBookEr, and Brian. CEO Marky Suckerberg declined the invitation to comment, claiming he was too busy counting his millions of dollars and practicing his evil laugh.
Annoying Couple Launch Kickstarter
A super annoying couple have launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for something or other. Unfortunately, they’re too annoying for any member of the tech press to have sat through the campaign video or read far enough through the accompanying text to figure out what solution they have found for a problem that doesn’t exist.
The couple, who don’t actually reside on our plane of existence, did however grant MakeUseOf an exclusive interview, saying, “We need money, bad. Please give us money. Now. We’ll be forever grateful and may even send you a pen with our annoying faces on as thanks for your generous pledges. But probably not.”
MakeUseOf Announces Punny Offshoots
MakeUseOf is adding various offshoots to the main website. They’re all based on terrible puns of the MakeUseOf name and will not be read by anyone, but that’s immaterial. The offshoot sites launching tomorrow include:
MakeJuiceOf – Random ingredients are turned into juice drinks.
CakeUseOf – Random ingredients are turned into cakes.
TakeShoesOff – Tips on how to steal footwear from your favorite celebrities.
ShakeBoozeOff – Hangover cures concocted from whatever we find in the fridge.
MakeUseGoth – MakeUseOf, but with black text on a black background.
MakeUseHoff – Written entirely by David Hasselhoff, because why not?
MakeUseOf Managing Editor Ryan ‘Doobie’ Dude announced the move from his camper van parked somewhere in California, where he grows his hair down to his waist, listens to Jimi Hendrix, and generally lives as if the Summer of Love never ended.
When asked to comment Dude said, “It’s all good, man. I mean, like, wow, right on,” before adding, “Make love, not war,” for no apparent reason. Dude denies having dreamed up these offshoots while high as a kite on the marijuana, or whatever it is you young whippersnappers smoke these days.
The Shocking Truth
And finally, apropos of nothing, we would like to wish all of our readers a happy and fruitful April Fools’ Day. And if you believed any of the stories in this edition of Tech News Digest then please hand your geek card in to the nearest responsible adult before seeking professional help for your lack of mental acuity.
Tech News Digest… Faking News In Bite-Sized Chunks.
Image Credit: Pascal via Flickr