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This is a post about going potty.
Excuse me, we’re all adults here. This is a post about peeing and using your Android device to help you do so.
Can’t imagine how? That little gadget you’re lugging around can help you do everything from find the nearest stall to fool someone into believing you have to go when you really don’t. The Play Store is overflowing with options.
1) Finding A Bathroom
So you’re out checking out the Lincoln Memorial and, just like that, you realize that you have to go. Or you find that your kid is tugging at your sleeve with their knees buckled together. Uh oh. Where is the nearest potty, stat?
Numerous apps can help with this task, but many of them still think Gingerbread is the newest version of Android. Among the ones I tried, SitOrSquat from Charmin had the best blend of usefulness and aesthetics. And user feedback has been packed into the experience. Bathrooms with positive ratings (yes, people review everything these days) get a green “sit” toilet paper icon, while less pleasant locations are marked with a red “squat” roll.
If you absolutely cannot look past the Charmin branding, then Bathroom Scout is an older app that will point you in the right direction. You just have to deal with its outdated interface. Free Pee is an alternative that sports a modern look, but I found its database to be far too inadequate. Keep an eye on this one, though, as it could be a delight to use once more bathrooms are logged (and you’re welcome to help add them yourself).
Download: SitOrSquat for Android (Free)
Download: Free Pee for Android (Free)
2) Fooling Someone into Thinking You Had to Go
Have you ever told someone you had to go to the bathroom just to get away, only to find that they escorted you and waited outside the door? Worse, maybe they’re in the next stall over. You can’t have them knowing you’re a big, fibbing liar.
In that instance, pull out Pee Button. This app does only one thing: make pee sounds. It comes with four different sound effects, so hopefully one will match the sound of your stream (in case that’s not enough, Pee Starter comes with five). Though if someone knows you well enough to recognize the sound of your flow, then they already know you were lying.
Maybe it’s time to admit you only went to the bathroom to hide your gadgets.
Download: Pee Button for Android (Free)
Download: Pee Starter for Android [No Longer Available]
3) Getting Started
Sometimes the pipes are clogged. It happens to the best of us. You’re standing or sitting there, waiting for the water that a few moments ago forced you to go looking for the nearest toilet, only to find that now it seems to have tucked itself back into storage — maybe you didn’t drink as much water as you thought you did?
For those moments, you might want to have Trouble Peeing? handy. Open the app, tap on the toilet, and listen to the sound of running water coming through your earphones. Stare at the never-ending waterfall, and hopefully your body gets the idea.
Alternatively, you can check out either of the apps mentioned in the previous section. The sound of pee might be the best way to lure your own pee out of hiding.
Download: Trouble Peeing? for Android (Free)
4) Learning How to Go
No, this section isn’t titled for you, dear reader. It’s for the little one sitting next to you, the kid that led you to download all of those baby-related Android apps. They’re getting older, aren’t they? Is it time to set those diapers aside?
In that case, Potty Time can be their personal aid in this important journey. It includes eBooks and videos to help them stay motivated, and there are digital stickers you can use to track their progress.
At this age, they’re already reaching for the tablet anyway. Maybe it’s time to hand them something other than games. Just keep a close eye on them the entire time. This is risky business.
Download: Potty Time for Android (Free with in-app purchases)
5) Marking Your Territory
All throughout the animal kingdom, creatures use their urine to mark their territory. Humans can do the same, but unfortunately our sense of smell isn’t quite developed enough for us to keep track of conquered locations on our own. That’s where Places I’ve Peed could come in handy, only I couldn’t get that app to work. But I had no problem with Poop Map, which comes from the same developer.
Every time you relieve yourself somewhere new, fire up the app and mark the location on the map. Then smile satisfyingly as you cover the neighborhood. And while there aren’t many other users out there, you’re welcome to compete with the world as though it were a game.
Neither app has received an update in a while, and they don’t have a wide userbase, so don’t be upset if things don’t work. That’s just the way things are sometimes when you come across software from a small developer who may have moved on.
Download: Poop Map for Android (Free)
Download: Place I’ve Peed for Android [No Longer Available]
Now Don’t You Feel Better?
I hope so. Don’t forget to wash your hands, and while you shouldn’t submerge the thing, it may be prudent to wipe your phone or tablet down as well.
While we’re on the subject, what apps do you take with you into the bathroom? There’s no reason to be bashful. These days, we’re all doing it. Share your favorites below, even if they don’t specifically have anything to do with going number one or two.