The internet has blown the world of dating wide open. No longer do you have to approach someone you’re interested in to ask them out — now free dating apps can help you connect with potential mates and chat with them electronically.
But what happens if a girl catches your eye on Facebook? How can you approach her and get to know her without scaring her off? Let’s discuss some important advice so you can avoid being “that guy” and increase your chances of going on a date.
1. Make Sure Your Profile Isn’t Weird
Years ago, most people were quick to accept any Facebook friend requests that came their way. Now, thanks to regular Facebook scams and spammers, savvy users won’t add people they don’t know.
So before you even send her a friend request, take a look at your own profile. Make sure you’re using a clear photo of yourself and not some animated character or random picture of nature. If you have some inside joke as your “middle name”, change it so it doesn’t look strange. Make sure your place of work is accurate so she can identify you.
Dear creepy guy on Facebook,
Just because you change your profile picture does not mean I am gonna accept your 23rd friend request.
— Kelsey Jackson (@callmydaddy) July 29, 2017
She’ll likely give your profile a look before she decides whether to accept your friend request, so make sure it represents you well.
2. Consider Your Approach
Once you’ve cleaned up your profile, your next step is considering what your relationship with this girl is.
- If she’s a random girl you’ve never met before and have no connections to: Good luck. You might as well send her a friend request and hope for the best. If you send her a message it will likely end up in her “other” inbox, where she’ll never see it. You don’t have many options aside from sending her a request.
- If you’re not Facebook friends with her but you have mutual friends: Are there any pictures or something else interesting on Facebook that involve the two of you? Perhaps you both went to a festival with mutual friends and there’s a picture that has both of you tagged in it. Commenting something general about the event will at least let her know you exist. Try doing something like that before you send her a friend request so she has an idea of who you are.
- If you’re already Facebook friends with her: Consider asking her out via another method instead of Facebook. If you’re too nervous to do this, send her a message letting her know that there’s an event going on this weekend and you thought she might like to go. Don’t make it into a “date” and don’t put any pressure on the situation. Ideally, you should gather some friends together to go so it’s a group of friends, not a date.
Nearly every situation will fall into one of these three scenarios. To ask a girl out on Facebook, you must be friends with her so she sees your messages. If you haven’t sent her a friend request yet, it all falls on whether she accepts it or not.
3. Start a Conversation With Her
Let’s assume that the girl you’re crushing on decides to add you as a friend on Facebook. Now you’re able to contact her through Facebook Messenger. Assuming she doesn’t know you very well, your initial message should introduce yourself and assure her that you’re not a spammer.
If you have mutual friends, start by mentioning who you both know:
Hi Molly, I’m Josh! Facebook told me that we both know Sarah and I remember talking to you once at a Smash Mouth concert. Have you heard their newest album?
This lets her know who you are because you have a mutual friend and discusses something that you’re both interested in right away.
Since you’re now friends on Facebook, take a few minutes to review her profile and see what she’s interested in. Check the About tab on her page to see what she went to school for and what her current job is. Some people add their favorite quotes, media, or random details about themselves in the Details about X sidebar, but this isn’t too common.
Take a look at her recent photos to see what she’s done lately. Anything you can learn about her that gives you something interesting to talk about is key.
If you’re attempting to ask a girl you don’t know out, try something like this as your first message:
Hi Haley! I’m Mike. We haven’t met, but your profile came up as a recommended friend in my Facebook feed and you caught my eye. I saw that your profile picture shows you at the Grand Canyon — is that the first time you’ve been there? I visited there with my family last year and it was one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen.
There’s no guarantee something like this will work, but being honest is as good a strategy as any. If she responds, continue with a natural conversation. Don’t be weird, just talk to her like a human being.
4. Ask Her Out, Appropriately
After you’ve chatted a few times, you should stop and gauge the interactions so far before proceeding. When you’ve messaged her, does try to respond in a timely manner? Is there back-and-forth conversation or do you tend to get one-word answers like “Yeah” and “OK”? Has she expressed any interest in you or does it seem like she’s simply putting up with you?
Consider these questions carefully. If you’ve had a great time talking with this girl and feel like she’d be receptive to meeting up, give it a try. But if she doesn’t seem interested when you’re making pleasant conversation, she likely isn’t interested in a date.
At this point, if you don’t want to ask her on a date just yet, try asking her for her phone number. That way, you can communicate through texting or via a messaging app like WhatsApp. Using this, you can try talking more often throughout the day instead of using only Facebook. Should you sense an interest, you can try asking her out via a phone call instead of Facebook, which should have better results.
The Big Moment
But if you want to forgo all that and ask her out on Facebook now, phrase the question tastefully. People know that others on the internet aren’t always who they seem and you don’t want to ask her to go to a creepy remote location. You can suggest spending time in a group similar to the above, or try something like this pretty safe request:
Norah, I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you over these past few weeks and I’d love to hang out in person if you’d be up for it. What do you think about meeting for coffee at the Starbucks on Oak Avenue this Saturday afternoon?
Note two important facets of this: meeting in a public place, and giving a specific time for a date. You don’t want to ask her to go up to your grandparents’ cabin in the woods with you for a weekend — that’s creepy. It’s also important to avoid generalizations when it comes to the details of the date. Don’t leave it open to “hang out sometime” — mention a specific date so she can give you a straight answer.
After you ask her, it could play out in a few ways:
- She deletes you as a friend and/or blocks you. Should your request bother her so much that she decides to remove you as a friend, you need to let it go and move on. Don’t complain to your mutual friends about her or try to conjure up some scenario to talk to her again.
- She doesn’t respond. If this is the case, wait a few days. Then check in Messenger to make sure that she saw your message and isn’t away on vacation or something. If she’s seen it but hasn’t responded, you can follow up one time: “Hey Norah, I just wanted to check and make sure you saw my message!” A lack of response to this means that she’s not interested. Do not attempt to contact her again; leave her alone.
- She says no. Don’t argue or ask why. You can say something along the lines of “No problem, just thought I’d see if you were interested!” Then it’s up to you whether you continue chatting with her or not. If you try to continue making conversation and she seems distant, it’s probably best to move on.
- She gives you a vague answer or excuse. Sometimes, to “let you down easy,” girls won’t tell you “no” when you ask them out. Instead, they’ll provide an excuse and leave you wondering if you should pursue the matter further. In this case, you should follow the Brad Pitt Rule:
- She accepts. If she says she’d be delighted to go, that’s great! Confirm the details with her so you’re on the same page. You should also ask for her phone number so you can get ahold of her if something happens on the day of the date. Enjoy your time!
5. A Few No-Nos
We’ve walked through the steps and potential pitfalls of asking a gal out on Facebook. To finish up, let’s discuss some methods you should avoid. Trying to get a girl’s attention with these will make you look like an idiot, make her uncomfortable, and not end well at all.
- Don’t send boring and generic messages. Don’t make your first message to the girl you’re interested in “Hey”. Not only is this boring and tells her nothing about you, it could also set off “spammer” flags in her head. Be unique — she’s worth more than an introduction you came up with in two seconds.
- DO NOT ask a girl out through public means. Aside from Messenger, basically everything you do on Facebook is visible to others. Never, ever try to flirt with a girl or ask her out via a status update, posting on her Timeline, leaving a comment on her photo, etc. It’s ridiculously childish, will embarrass her, and people will wonder what the heck you’re doing. Asking through Facebook is already easier than in person — don’t be a coward.
- Don’t be creepy. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Don’t comment on dozens of her photos in a row. Send messages sparingly. Avoid using stupid pick-up lines. And never make any crude or sexual comments. They’re not funny and equate you with a fourteen-year-old.
- Don’t act like your life depends on this. Be casual about the experience. You’re just talking to a person.
- Under no circumstances should you “poke” her on Facebook. We’re not sure why this feature still exists. Don’t use it.
Have You Ever Asked a Girl Out on Facebook?
Well, there you have it. A start-to-finish guide on approaching a girl on Facebook, chatting with her, and asking her out on a date. It’s possible to do, though it’s probably not the best method.
Thus, we recommend that you use any other available method at your disposal to ask a girl out that you have interest in. If you have her phone number, give her a call. Ask a mutual friend to introduce you in person. Messaging on Facebook is decent for getting to know basic details about someone, but it comes with a lot of problems. Keep that in mind when you decide what to do.
We’d love to hear your stories. Have you ever asked someone out on Facebook? Has someone ever pursued you through Facebook? Do you think asking someone out on Facebook is okay? Tell us below in the comments!
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