You should be following all of these people on Twitter because, while many of them are quite clearly psychologically damaged, they’re also extremely funny.
“What kind of funny?” I hear you ask. Why, funny peculiar, of course. And funny ha-ha too, for that matter. Believe me, they’re funny, and that’s all you need to know.
hey everyone, please dont retweet me . Please just send me 7 dollars in an envelope instead
— carlos (@famouscrab) December 27, 2013
Carlos is a famous crab on Twitter. No, I’ve never heard of him either, but his tweets are such an eclectic mix of funny and bizarre that he’s well worth following.
Jocelyn Plums @filthyrichmond
Cookie Monster singing Blurred Lines to a tray of gingerbread men.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 8, 2014
Jocelyn Plums is a fictional character whose tweets are almost always both hilarious and cringe-inducing. Expect lots of near-the-knuckle LOLs and trolls.
Self Aware ROOMBA @selfawareroomba
Too many wine stains for one ROOMBA
— Self Aware ROOMBA (@SelfAwareROOMBA) March 8, 2014
What happens when a self-aware ROOMBA is given its own Twitter account? Comedy gold, that’s what. Interspersed with some necessary housekeeping.
Jason Miller @longwall26
Anytime you walk into a Home Depot about a hundred people in there are buying stuff for murders.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 6, 2014
Jason Miller delivers sarcastic witticisms that you’ll likely never grow tired of. Until you do. At which point you can simply click Unfollow.
The Dork @the_dorkster
I hate the way our dog always looks into the camera while he’s humping his toy.
— The Dork (@The_Dorkster) April 8, 2014
The Dork delivers tweets aplenty; some will make you laugh out loud, others will make you cringe until you resemble a gargoyle. All will entertain.
Big Money Rowlf @irowlf
I love my collection of meme memorabilia. I’m currently wearing Bad Luck Brian’s sweater and have one of Grumpy Cat’s turds in my fridge.
— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) March 17, 2014
Rowlf the Dog is a Muppet. Big Money Rowlf isn’t. Instead, he’s a Twitterer with a wicked sense of humor and some cutting one-liners.
If you encounter Death in the woods, just play bear. Death is afraid of bears.
— donni (@donni) April 5, 2014
One of the few real people on our list, Donni is Donni Saphire, a comic from Chicago who mostly posts short, snippy tweets.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) April 5, 2014
Snorklhuahua is a snorkelling dog providing some sweary good times. The line between funny ha-ha and funny peculiar has been crossed.
Wolf Pupy @wolfpupy
oh my god this is so embarassing, i just noticed i misspelled the word puppy in my name
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) April 2, 2014
A wolf puppy (inexplicably spelled as “pupy” on this occasion) isn’t the first animal that comes to mind when thinking about comedy. But it works, somehow.
Jomny Sun @jonnysun
flavor flav’s full name is flavor flavor
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 8, 2014
Jomny Sun describes himself (herself, itself?) as an “aliebn confuesed abt humaen lamngage.” If you can see past the intentional typos then it’s all good.
Jacy Catlin @ieatanddrink
I hope all those kids who fell down wells in the ’80s are now living normal lives down there
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 3, 2014
Pithy one-liner after pithy one-liner are the name of the game here. All of which are slightly odd, offbeat, and out-there.
Fred Delicious @fred_delicious
When I switched from iPhone to Samsung it was like going from owning a Lamborghini to being strapped to a dead goat covered in shit and piss
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 3, 2014
If you want to read the random musings of a madman hiding behind a strangely menacing avatar then follow Fred Delicious immediately. Otherwise, don’t.
Que Cera Cera @axtang
livetweeting is bullshit because if I wanted to live, I wouldn’t be on twitter.
— que cera cera (@axtang) April 7, 2014
The most passive-aggressive ramblings on this list, with a constant stream of tweets detailing the life on an angsty individual.
James Martin @pundamentalism
The doctor giving the Rorschach Test thinks I’M weird?! He’s the one painting pictures of my mum having sex with a Dolphin on a motorbike.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) April 8, 2014
Pundamentalism is, rather unsurprisingly, focused on puns. Most of them are extremely clever, while some are just ridiculous. All are entertaining.
Sixth Form Poet @sixthformpoet
The alphabet ending in XYZ is a good metaphor for life in that people often end up cross, ask “why?” and then go to sleep forever.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) April 2, 2014
With a persona of a teenager on the cusp of reaching adulthood, Sixth Form Poet delivers funny one-liners, witty observations, and questionable life advice.
Statistically at least one of you is reading this whilst sitting on the toilet. It’s you, isn’t it. You’re disgusting.
— cluedont (@cluedont) April 9, 2014
More witty one-liners are on offer from Cluedont, who seems to be a British person with an attitude. Which hardly narrows it down.
Boring Tweeter @b0ringtweets
My phone rang today and I answered it.
— Boring Tweeter (@b0ringtweets) April 8, 2014
Boring Tweeter does exactly what you would expect it to do, detailing life in the most banal detail. Use it to learn what you yourself should avoid tweeting.
Bucky Isotope @buckyisotope
I bet it’s really hard to convict Billy Joel for arson.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) April 9, 2014
Bucky Isotope is clearly a grown man with the mind of a 13-year-old boy. Hence the plethora of snidey digs to followers and jokes about random body parts.
It’s Sad When… @itssadwhen
IT’S SAD WHEN YOUR NEW SHOWBIZ PAL MATT DAMON TURNS OUT TO BE MATT THE DEMON AND THAT’S WHY HE INHALED EVERYBODY’S SOUL AT THE DINNER PARTY.
— It’s Sad When… (@ITSSADWHEN) March 23, 2014
It’s sad when a Twitter account you think is detailing wry observations we can all relate to is actually mocking everyone and everything. /ALLCAPS
Made-Up Stats @madeupstats
1 in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other 2.
— made-up stats (@madeupstats) April 1, 2014
None of the statistics cited in this stream of tweets is real, but most are so keenly observed your friends will likely believe them. Your friends, not my friends.
Funny peculiar and funny-ha-ha is a difficult combination to get right, but these 20 individuals manage it superbly well. Humor is a very subjective thing, so there is only a small chance that all of them will make you laugh until your sides hurt.
However, if even a handful manage to put a smile on your face for a few seconds each day then they will have done some good in this world. And we will have done our job by bringing them to your attention. Because that’s what we do.
Image Credit: Jason Scragz via Flickr