In the 1990s, many considered the internet the wild, wild west. With little regulation, pretty much anyone could do anything they wanted online. And while today's internet is a bit more under control, it's still not a safe place, especially for a child.
One new trick predators use against children is online grooming. This nefarious technique uses social interaction and a child's need for validation and companionship to exploit, sexually abuse, or even radicalize them.
So how does online grooming happen? And what can you do as a parent to protect your child?
What Is Online Grooming?
Online grooming is when a person, or group of people, build trust and a relationship with a young person. However, they do this not for the sake of friendship but to promote their personal agenda, which usually causes harm to the victim.
This technique is often used to find vulnerable children for sexual exploitation, both online and in real life. Predators can also use this to brainwash youngsters, making them radical believers of a cause, so much so that they can turn innocent kids into violent soldiers.
They can also groom kids to steal information from their parents, making them key tools for identity theft.
Those who use online grooming typically pose as younger people, so they can easily gain trust. Others pretend to be an aspirational figure that a child would want to emulate, like a talent scout, influencer, or athlete. There are also those who use their age and "wisdom" to develop a "mentor" relationship with their target.
Where Does Online Grooming Happen?
Online grooming can happen anywhere online interactions take place. Predators can single out and target children through social media platforms, forums and discussion boards, and even via online gaming.
Groomers can feign common interests with the child to build a relationship. So while online grooming can start on an app, it can and will spill over across other platforms. That way, the predator can keep in contact with their target.
These relationships begin innocently enough: they find common ground through their target's interests, try to keep a conversation with them going, and even join them in their games. However, these activities take a dark turn.
Once they've built a friendship with their target, they will eventually ask for what they want. It can start with something small—show me this part of your body, say racist things to your neighbor, or give me a virtual tour around the house.
And once they get what they want, they'll use these things to blackmail the child, so they could ask for more—more graphic images and videos, more violent acts, or more sensitive information.
How Do Online Groomers Get Children's Attention?
Like in real life, online groomers won't be able to prey on children immediately. Instead, they usually take several weeks to months, slowly building trust and a relationship with their target before they start showing their true intentions.
The first thing they do is find common ground: this is the typical core of their friendship with their target. Once the predator has built this, they then affirm the child's emotions and decisions, making their target feel valued in their relationship with the groomer.
Since the child feels special when around the predator, they will ask the child to reciprocate. They make the child think that they're the groomer's only friend, and if the child disagrees with the groomer, they will act hurt, guilt-tripping the child into submitting to their desire.
Eventually, the child will depend on the groomer's affection and attention. They will promise the target that they'll get everything they want through the groomer and convince the child that their friends and family are villains. They do this so that the child rebuffs other parties' attempts to warn them about online groomers.
The groomer will also manipulate the child into keeping their relationship a secret. They will make it as if everyone is against them and that if they tell other people what they're doing, the world will stop and keep them away from each other.
What Parents Can Do to Protect Children
Predators will always be out there, both online and offline. And while we cannot stop their actions, we can take steps to keep our children protected from them. Here are a few things that parents can do to protect their kids.
1. Keep Your Kids Informed
It's almost impossible for your child not to have access to the internet. Even if you stop them from creating a social media account, they can still get into conversations with strangers from all over the globe through the games they play.
That's why it's better to arm your children with knowledge. You have to tell them that while they can talk to strangers online, they have to have boundaries and limitations, no matter how long they've been playing or talking together.
You kids should know the red flags of online grooming—especially as it can happen without your knowledge. These can include someone moving from public chats to private messages, asking for personal information, photos, or videos, and demanding them to keep secrets, all the way to suggesting a meet-up in real life.
Remind them that everything that goes online has the potential to stay there forever. There is no permanent delete button.
You should also teach them that it's never okay for a friend to force them to do things they don't want. And if they start to feel uneasy with someone, their priority is to protect themselves—they shouldn't be afraid to block and report.
2. Build Trust With Your Child
One potential reason a child seeks validation and companionship with an online stranger is that they can't find it from their own environment. This makes them vulnerable and puts them at greater risk than other children. That's why your role as a parent is becoming even more crucial in this online world.
If you have a healthy relationship with your child, where they feel safe enough to open up to you no matter what, then you'll be able to prepare them better and protect them from predators.
No matter what a groomer says, if your child has a solid enough relationship with you, they will run to you when they're scared or in trouble. Because if they just deal with it themselves, it could lead to a deeper problem.
As parenting expert Shefali Tsabary says:
"Children aren't naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won't faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children."
3. Surf Together, Play Together
This is important, especially for younger children. Parents should spend time with their child and show genuine interest in what they're doing online. That way, your child won't think you're there monitoring what they do; instead, they'll know you're there enjoying online activities with them.
When you are in the same world your kids are in, you can see their interactions. This will help you keep an eye on their friends, ensuring they're safe.
Keeping Strangers Out of Your Home
While you take steps to protect the physical security of your home, you should remember that online security is another vulnerability.
Each member of your family, from yourself and your spouse, down to your children, no matter how young they are, has to take individual steps to protect themselves. That's because while you can control the grounds of your house, you can only do so much to protect your child online.
So, by arming them with knowledge and information, you can ensure they can protect themselves as they explore the world, both the real and the virtual ones.