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Dear Nintendo,

We, your fans, haven’t bought the Wii U yet. It’s not because of the stupid name – though it would be hard to think of a worse one. Wii4u&me? WiiABC123? Wii McGee from Alpha Centuri 3? Wii U is dumber than all of those.

Anyway, like I was saying: it’s not the name. And it’s not that you turned your controller into a tablet, or the low specs. There are some underrated Wii U features 3 Underrated Wii U Features [Opinion] 3 Underrated Wii U Features [Opinion] Nintendo’s new console is now available across the globe and gamers are weighing in. Most impressions are based of game selection, graphics and the new controller. Gamers, like everyone else, prefer to pay less and... Read More , sure, but the problem is you haven’t put out many games we really, really want. There’s a re-hash of 2009’s Super Mario Bros. Wii – which was itself a re-hash of every 2D Mario game ever. And there’s that upcoming remake of Windwaker – that looks alright, I guess.

But beyond that I honestly can’t think of many games for your system I’m excited about – which is surprising, considering I’m a raving fanboy. The big exception, of course, is the upcoming Smash Bros sequel. You announced this game while Sony and Microsoft were arguing about whether we were legally allowed to share our toys with friends after we purchased them, and you had all our attention. Because Megaman.

Holy crap! The powerups, the jump – it’s all there. When I noticed this I couldn’t wait to see which other characters were going to show up. I mean, if Megaman is on the table, what other classics from the golden age of gaming are stuffed into this chaotic class of classics?

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Well…this.

Seriously? Wasn’t it bad enough that the last game included R.O.B., a chunk of plastic you sold in the USA to trick retailers? Now you’re throwing in a character most famous for telling our parents to “hold this pose”?

We didn’t ask for this, Nintendo – and seriously, we asked for everyone else. Google Smash Bros wishlist sometime – we’ve thought of everything, but I’m pretty sure absolutely none of us asked for the Wii Fit Trainer.

Maybe you’re confused, though. For reference, here are some other characters we didn’t ask for in Smash Bros. Please don’t add them.

Fi, From Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword

fi-smash-bros

Master, I calculate a 99.7% probability that no one wants Fi to appear in another game. Ever.

Final Smash: Spoiling puzzles far too early. Yes: I’m bitter.

Clippy, From Microsoft Office

clippy-smash-bros

Not a Nintendo character, I realize, and basically identical to Fi: offering “helpful suggestions” only when you least need them. But really, Microsoft’s not using him anymore – and apparently Wii Fit Trainer counts as a video game character – so why not throw Clippy in there? I know more than a few people who would enjoy letting Samus or Donkey Kong beat the ever-loving snot out of him.

Final Smash: “Looks like you’re trying to write a letter…”

The Dog, From Duck Hunt

duck-hunt-dog-smash-bros

It’s a character you created solely to mock us, and man: it stuck. We all tried to shoot him, but it never worked – and it eats us up inside.

So yeah, we all remember him. But he never actually did anything but laugh in those games, so no one will ever want to play as him – just kick his ass.

Okay, I’m kind of lying when I say no one’s asked for this: people have thought about this. A lot. Seriously, click that link: some dude wrote up terrible hypothetical moves, like holding ducks to fly.

Final Smash: Laughter. Soul-piercing laughter, exposing your inferiority and causing you to quit playing.

Waluigi, From Any Game Wario Needs A Partner In

waluigi-smash-bros

“Mario has a dark counterpoint in Wario,” you say. “Why shouldn’t Waluigi be in the game?”

You’re a moron, that’s why.

Final Smash: Identical to Luigi’s, but purple instead of green. Oh, and the “L” is upside down. Because evil. Get it? Me neither.

Conclusion

Maybe I’m being unkind to the Wii Fit Trainer. Her game did sell 18.2 million copies – considerably more than Smash Bros Brawl’s 10.79 million. Maybe Mario, Kirby and the rest should be thrilled such an amazingly popular character is willing to show up for long enough to beat the crap out of them. Then again, I doubt many of the people who bought Wii Fit Trainer bought Brawl – and most people I know who bought Wii Fit didn’t play it a month later.

What do you think: does Wii Fit Trainer belong in the next Smash game? Or is she destined to remain unused, like Luigi? Leave your thoughts in the comments below, along with any other characters you’re fairly certain no one’s ever asked for. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Oh, and here’s what to do with your Wii U while you wait for Smash Bros 6 Things To Do With Your Wii U While Waiting For New Games 6 Things To Do With Your Wii U While Waiting For New Games I must admit that the Nintendo Wii U, though I love it, hasn’t done as well as I’d hoped. The problem is simple. Games – there are none! All of the major releases I (and... Read More . Should keep you somewhat busy, but if you need more check out Kirby’s best video games Wii U Games Worth Getting Excited About [MUO Gaming] Wii U Games Worth Getting Excited About [MUO Gaming] The Wii U just hit the market, and there's a good chance that if you didn't get one, you missed the boat. Supply shortages are commonplace with the launch of a new console. That being... Read More .

  1. Mattwo
    May 7, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I mean he's only not a fighter.

  2. Mattwo
    May 7, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    People DID ask for the dog? Must be why Duck Hunt Dog is actually in the game while none of the rest are. Well, aside from Waluigi, he's only in because him not getting any respect is like some kind of in-joke for Nintendo. We'd probably sooner see Boshi(Yoshi's warui counterpart, aka Washi in the japanese version of Mario RPG) or the ACTUAL debut of Walupeachi in Smash Bros lol.

    If they can give Wario, Captain Falcon and Peach distinct movesets I think they could do the same with Waluigi though. Then again, peach already attacks with sporting goods...

    • Justin Pot
      May 7, 2015 at 2:18 pm

      Can you think of any unique moves for Waluigi to have? I can't.

  3. Henryuuki
    April 13, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Wii Fit Trainer is the most genius addition to SM4SH ever, and I resent you for thinking otherwise.
    nah but really, she was a funny addition, and like you said, her first game outsold some of the other fighters their entire series.

    Pretty funny how the dog from duck hunt ended up happening though

    • Justin Pot
      May 7, 2015 at 2:17 pm

      Yeah I wasn't expecting the dog from duck hunt to actually end up in Smash, really funny in retrospect.

  4. Lisa O
    September 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Well, I don't know where is appropriate for me to comment about the new layout, so I apologize in advance.
    Yes, it's cleaner to read, but personally I think the sidebar images are too big, and would prefer 'latest post' in place of 'activity stream'. Then with the new comment system I don't know how to reply a reply. If I reply to the main comment, will other people who reply see my reply? It kind of discontinuing a discussion, to me. The most important thing? The comment box is now down below while I could type comment right after reading the article in previous version. The good thing may be that people can read other's comments before adding their own and asking what have been answered.

    Fighting Clippy will be so satisfying. Playing Clippy? I wonder what kind of boom Nintendo could make in the internet by including it. By the way, the link at Duck Hunt section can't be clicked. It appears when we hover the scratched sentence but the sentence itself is not a link.

  5. Lisa O
    September 2, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Holy. After HowtoGeek, now it's MUO's turn to 'metro-ify' the site. Can't say I like it now but time will tell.
    As for the article, thanks for the laugh. I can hear your bitterness loud and clear. Can you pardon me that I kinda want to see Clippy challenges you with that sentence?

    • Justin P
      September 2, 2013 at 1:59 pm

      We've got lots of tweaks to make yet, but I find it cleaner to read articles now. Keep giving us feedback, okay?

      And I won't lie: after finishing the article I kind of started hoping Nintendo and Microsoft would throw Clippy in there...

  6. TechnoAngina
    August 30, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    They should have brought in Parappa the rapper, Hudson Hawk, and that guy who All Our Base are belong to.

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