We, your fans, haven’t bought the Wii U yet. It’s not because of the stupid name – though it would be hard to think of a worse one. Wii4u&me? WiiABC123? Wii McGee from Alpha Centuri 3? Wii U is dumber than all of those.
Anyway, like I was saying: it’s not the name. And it’s not that you turned your controller into a tablet, or the low specs. There are some underrated Wii U features, sure, but the problem is you haven’t put out many games we really, really want. There’s a re-hash of 2009’s Super Mario Bros. Wii – which was itself a re-hash of every 2D Mario game ever. And there’s that upcoming remake of Windwaker – that looks alright, I guess.
But beyond that I honestly can’t think of many games for your system I’m excited about – which is surprising, considering I’m a raving fanboy. The big exception, of course, is the upcoming Smash Bros sequel. You announced this game while Sony and Microsoft were arguing about whether we were legally allowed to share our toys with friends after we purchased them, and you had all our attention. Because Megaman.
Holy crap! The powerups, the jump – it’s all there. When I noticed this I couldn’t wait to see which other characters were going to show up. I mean, if Megaman is on the table, what other classics from the golden age of gaming are stuffed into this chaotic class of classics?
Seriously? Wasn’t it bad enough that the last game included R.O.B., a chunk of plastic you sold in the USA to trick retailers? Now you’re throwing in a character most famous for telling our parents to “hold this pose”?
We didn’t ask for this, Nintendo – and seriously, we asked for everyone else. Google Smash Bros wishlist sometime – we’ve thought of everything, but I’m pretty sure absolutely none of us asked for the Wii Fit Trainer.
Maybe you’re confused, though. For reference, here are some other characters we didn’t ask for in Smash Bros. Please don’t add them.
Fi, From Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Master, I calculate a 99.7% probability that no one wants Fi to appear in another game. Ever.
Final Smash: Spoiling puzzles far too early. Yes: I’m bitter.
Clippy, From Microsoft Office
Not a Nintendo character, I realize, and basically identical to Fi: offering “helpful suggestions” only when you least need them. But really, Microsoft’s not using him anymore – and apparently Wii Fit Trainer counts as a video game character – so why not throw Clippy in there? I know more than a few people who would enjoy letting Samus or Donkey Kong beat the ever-loving snot out of him.
Final Smash: “Looks like you’re trying to write a letter…”
The Dog, From Duck Hunt
It’s a character you created solely to mock us, and man: it stuck. We all tried to shoot him, but it never worked – and it eats us up inside.
So yeah, we all remember him. But he never actually did anything but laugh in those games, so no one will ever want to play as him – just kick his ass.
Okay, I’m kind of lying when I say no one’s asked for this:. A lot. Seriously, click that link: some dude wrote up terrible hypothetical moves, like holding ducks to fly.
Final Smash: Laughter. Soul-piercing laughter, exposing your inferiority and causing you to quit playing.
Waluigi, From Any Game Wario Needs A Partner In
“Mario has a dark counterpoint in Wario,” you say. “Why shouldn’t Waluigi be in the game?”
You’re a moron, that’s why.
Final Smash: Identical to Luigi’s, but purple instead of green. Oh, and the “L” is upside down. Because evil. Get it? Me neither.
Maybe I’m being unkind to the Wii Fit Trainer. Her game did sell 18.2 million copies – considerably more than Smash Bros Brawl’s 10.79 million. Maybe Mario, Kirby and the rest should be thrilled such an amazingly popular character is willing to show up for long enough to beat the crap out of them. Then again, I doubt many of the people who bought Wii Fit Trainer bought Brawl – and most people I know who bought Wii Fit didn’t play it a month later.
What do you think: does Wii Fit Trainer belong in the next Smash game? Or is she destined to remain unused, like Luigi? Leave your thoughts in the comments below, along with any other characters you’re fairly certain no one’s ever asked for. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Oh, and here’s what to do with your Wii U while you wait for Smash Bros. Should keep you somewhat busy, but if you need more check out Kirby’s best video games.