Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered

Ads by Google

Cults are awesome. Well not really but that got your attention didn’t it?

As I was contemplating Easter approaching and the fact that just a couple thousand years ago, Christianity was considered a cult, I got to thinking. I thought, “Hey, Christianity was a cult. Maybe some cults aren’t so bad. Maybe I should join one.”

But there’s one big problem with me joining a cult. I’m lazy. I don’t want to be bothered with waiting for someone to knock on my door and offer me a bunch of stuff and tell me they love me even though they don’t know me.

So I did what all intellectually-lazy people do when trying to figure out the divine. I hit the web.

Join a Cult Online

There were a few prospective cults I could join from the comfort of my own home, for no real cost.

The Cult of Dave had a good concept – worship Dave. You can simply join by being ‘Daved’. That means you change your name to Dave for the purposes of the cult. Or, if your name already is Dave, well, you’re in!

And for attractive women, you just have to become a Dave-Babe, which means, “…serving and servicing Dave…”. In return you can claim ownership of all the land. Could be a good deal. Dave is a cop and some women are into that.

Ads by Google

But if all the Dave-Babes are with Dave, then what’s in it for the other Daves?

It also turns out that Devo is unacceptable to Dave, so I guess I’m out of that cult. Devo rocks. Period.

There there is Siglerism –  the cult of horror writer Scott Sigler. He appealed to me with his divine logic that if Scientology was started by a sci-fi writer then all is fair game. Seemed like a good enough reason to join, but then I read something about “…getting Scott’s face tattooed on your boobies.”

First, he must be divine if he knows I have man-boobies, but he must be evil if he thinks I’ll mar them with a tattoo of him.  Look at him, he looks quasi-evil doesn’t he?

Ultimately, I settled on the Church of Reality, because nothing is more messed up than reality. And they pretty much believe the same as I do, only except I believe there is a God.

But they also say I have to think for myself, which is really the opposite of the reason I would join a cult. So, even though I joined them, I don’t think I would stay with it.

Start a Cult

That left me with one other option – to start my own cult! Hitting the web again, I found StartYourOwnCult. Dr. Emiril Lazarus means business when he talks about starting your own cult.

There are several articles here ranging from the spiritual side of the cult, such as “Finding the New Jerusalem” to good old economics such as “Using Recruits for Fundraising”. He’s even got the exit plan covered with, “How to Use a Scapegoat”. Dr. L. you are a genius! And keen fashion sense too!

Nothing says God-incarnate like a 5 o’clock shadow and a big cross on your lapel.

Deprogramming

But all this cult joining and starting is a LOT of work! I’m starting to think that maybe cults aren’t that great an idea. Maybe I should get some help and be deprogrammed.

Ugh, I really don’t want to go to therapy though – there’s a good episode of Supernatural on tonight. Maybe I’ll just sign up for the
Online Cult-Recovery Support Group over at Knapp Family Counselling.

Oddly enough, this was the most expensive part of my cult experiences today.

Whew! That was a busy Monday. All that religion stuff takes a lot out of me. Time for some pizza and a nap. So mote it be.

Got any great cults you’d like to share? Praying I’ll burn in Hell/Abbadon/Detroit? Want to make me your God? Let me know in the comments.

Picture Credit : THERKD

Join live MakeUseOf Groups on Grouvi App Join live Groups on Grouvi
Web for Kids
Web for Kids
7 Members
Deep Web Communities
Deep Web Communities
13 Members
Awesome Websites
Awesome Websites
26 Members
Best Music Services
Best Music Services
15 Members
Ads by Google
Comments (20)
  • Mr OJA

    JOIN THE ILLUMINATI COMMUNITY IN the word today CALL +2349050303684.
    YOU CAN OBTAIN FINANCIAL LIFT FROM illuminates family +2349050303684
    email (ojamike44@gmail.com)

    Who say you can’t make it ? Have you ever tried or you are just there mocking what you don’t know about. I laugh at you!
    Why when you think you’re Stuck in wilderness , You just sit and do nothing about it. If you feel you are stuck in the wilderness in a situation that appears hopeless, you should know that you’re not the only person this has happened to. And there is something you can do about it! Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and it appears whatever they do, they can’t get out of the quagmire. If this describes you, don’t give up. The situation is not hopeless. With my powers I can turn your dreams into reality.
    Is your business collapsing?
    Do you want to be employed but are failing to get a job?
    Do you want to attract customers to your business?
    Do you want luck?
    Have you been cheated?
    Are your rivals taking advantage of you?
    Are your debtors not paying up in time?
    Is someone refusing to pay completely?
    Are debts catching up with you?
    Do you want to penetrate the market?
    Are you looking for a job promotion or simply better payment?
    Is it another job you are looking for?
    Do you need your business to be cleansed?
    Are you going for a job interview?
    Is it your co-workers who are making your life hell?
    Do you want favors from your employers and boss?
    Do you want riches as deep as your dreams?
    AGENT MAMA TENDO is here to help you get so much wealth and material possessions beyond your imagination.

    Is your fortune or inheritance in the hands of known or unknown relatives?
    Here is the professor to help you receive what belongs to you.
    Do you have a mine, Need a mineral attracting spell for all kinds of minerals?
    Use specified jinni and remedies to overcome any or all the above problems +2349050303684?

    • Guy

      Normally I delete spam, but this is brilliant! I can’t make this stuff up, folks! X D

  • Nicole yung

    I want to be a cult member. Do you have to be Christianity to join up? Please I want to experience the cult way of living.

    • Guy

      Um, seriously? Just so we’re clear, being in a real cult is like being in a medieval prison, only you think you really want to be there.

      It’s one thing to associate yourself with people with common beliefs, but to hand over complete control of your life, and possibly death, to some delusional psychopath is NOT a good idea.

  • pipiro

    guys Cult is not encouraging to any one at all so stop preaching about it

  • Felix

    Like 2 join a cult

  • Scott Sigler

    You bastard, we will get you. If you even THINK about joining Siglerism, you are already in. That helps us eliminate paperwork (save the trees!), and drastically improves our recruitment ratios. You were in. There is no getting out. You bastard, sooner or later you will have my face tatted on your man-boobies.

Load 10 more
Affiliate Disclamer

This review may contain affiliate links, which pays us a small compensation if you do decide to make a purchase based on our recommendation. Our judgement is in no way biased, and our recommendations are always based on the merits of the items.

For more details, please read our disclosure.
Affiliate Disclamer

This review may contain affiliate links, which pays us a small compensation if you do decide to make a purchase based on our recommendation. Our judgement is in no way biased, and our recommendations are always based on the merits of the items.

For more details, please read our disclosure.