Join a Cult Online: How I Joined, Started & Finally Recovered

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Cults are awesome. Well not really but that got your attention didn’t it?

As I was contemplating Easter approaching and the fact that just a couple thousand years ago, Christianity was considered a cult, I got to thinking. I thought, “Hey, Christianity was a cult. Maybe some cults aren’t so bad. Maybe I should join one.”

But there’s one big problem with me joining a cult. I’m lazy. I don’t want to be bothered with waiting for someone to knock on my door and offer me a bunch of stuff and tell me they love me even though they don’t know me.

So I did what all intellectually-lazy people do when trying to figure out the divine. I hit the web.

Join a Cult Online

There were a few prospective cults I could join from the comfort of my own home, for no real cost.

The Cult of Dave had a good concept – worship Dave. You can simply join by being ‘Daved’. That means you change your name to Dave for the purposes of the cult. Or, if your name already is Dave, well, you’re in!

And for attractive women, you just have to become a Dave-Babe, which means, “…serving and servicing Dave…”. In return you can claim ownership of all the land. Could be a good deal. Dave is a cop and some women are into that.

But if all the Dave-Babes are with Dave, then what’s in it for the other Daves?

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It also turns out that Devo is unacceptable to Dave, so I guess I’m out of that cult. Devo rocks. Period.

There there is Siglerism –  the cult of horror writer Scott Sigler. He appealed to me with his divine logic that if Scientology was started by a sci-fi writer then all is fair game. Seemed like a good enough reason to join, but then I read something about “…getting Scott’s face tattooed on your boobies.”

First, he must be divine if he knows I have man-boobies, but he must be evil if he thinks I’ll mar them with a tattoo of him.  Look at him, he looks quasi-evil doesn’t he?

Ultimately, I settled on the Church of Reality, because nothing is more messed up than reality. And they pretty much believe the same as I do, only except I believe there is a God.

But they also say I have to think for myself, which is really the opposite of the reason I would join a cult. So, even though I joined them, I don’t think I would stay with it.

Start a Cult

That left me with one other option – to start my own cult! Hitting the web again, I found StartYourOwnCult. Dr. Emiril Lazarus means business when he talks about starting your own cult.

There are several articles here ranging from the spiritual side of the cult, such as “Finding the New Jerusalem” to good old economics such as “Using Recruits for Fundraising”. He’s even got the exit plan covered with, “How to Use a Scapegoat”. Dr. L. you are a genius! And keen fashion sense too!

Nothing says God-incarnate like a 5 o’clock shadow and a big cross on your lapel.


But all this cult joining and starting is a LOT of work! I’m starting to think that maybe cults aren’t that great an idea. Maybe I should get some help and be deprogrammed.

Ugh, I really don’t want to go to therapy though – there’s a good episode of Supernatural on tonight. Maybe I’ll just sign up for the
Online Cult-Recovery Support Group over at Knapp Family Counselling.

Oddly enough, this was the most expensive part of my cult experiences today.

Whew! That was a busy Monday. All that religion stuff takes a lot out of me. Time for some pizza and a nap. So mote it be.

Got any great cults you’d like to share? Praying I’ll burn in Hell/Abbadon/Detroit? Want to make me your God? Let me know in the comments.

Picture Credit : THERKD

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Cults destroy lives


John M. Knapp, LMSW

I really appreciate the humor of Guy’s article. But Guy has never joined our online support group for former members at Knapp Family Nor would he have found it expensive had he chosen to. The fee for the group is charged on a sliding scale, according to ability to pay, and there always members who are charged nothing because they simply do not have the money. It’s not at all uncommon for members of some toxic groups to contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars for various “advanced courses” or tithing to their leaders. Somehow I doubt that Guy could have possibly spent that much on the time-limited, inexpensive counseling services I offer. By all means, please check out my site and decide for yourself.




I was a little concerned when I read the title, but you took a humorous look at it so it’s fine for me. I had to look twice when it appeared in my feed reader though because the headline is just unreal :D


Guy McDowell

Kyle – yes indeed, real cults do destroy lives.

I should also be upfront about the counseling services, since they are the only serious thing in this article. No, I didn’t really sign up and go through counseling with Knapp Family Counseling. John Knapp does offer sliding scale fees for counseling so that they are affordable for everyone who needs help.

Fortunately, John has a good sense of humour. I should have asked him if I could use his site in my article first. To be clear, I have really gone through a cult experience a few years back and was fortunate enough to find a counselor that charged on a sliding scale, like John Knapp does. Were it not for those counselors and family and friends, I doubt I would be alive today.



Love this article as it pretty much sums up how so-called religious movements are built in the first place.

Christopher Hitchen’s book “god is not Great” ( is a very good read on this subject.




I thought this was, not


I actually clicked on that link; what a waste of time.

Guy McDowell

You clicked on Doesn’t that redirect to the IRS? ;-)



Christianity is not a cult and it never was a cult. It may have been thought of as a cult in it’s infancy, but that was by people who didn’t understand and chose to make judgment without educating themselves first.

Guy McDowell

“According to Rodney Stark’s A Theory of Religion, most religions start out their lives as cults or sects, i.e. groups in high tension with the surrounding society. Over time, they tend to either die out or become more established, mainstream and in less tension with society. Cults are new groups with a novel theology, while sects are attempts to return mainstream religions to what the group views as their original purity.[15] As set out by Stark and Bainbridge, the term “cult”, is used distinctly among the general definitions, and is closely related to the historically changed definitions of “sect.” In this contemporary view, a “sect” is specifically “a deviant religious organization with traditional beliefs and practices,” as compared to a “cult” which indicates a “a deviant religious organization with novel beliefs and practices.”

Since this definition of “cult” is defined in part in terms of tension with the surrounding society, the same group may both be and not be a cult at different places or times. For example, Christianity was by this definition a cult in 1st and 2nd century Rome, while in fifth century Rome it became rather an ecclesia (the state religion).”

That’s Wikipedia’s take on it. I neither agree nor disagree with this outlook on first-century Christianity.



I vote that someone joins a McDowellerism cult!


Scott Sigler

You bastard, we will get you. If you even THINK about joining Siglerism, you are already in. That helps us eliminate paperwork (save the trees!), and drastically improves our recruitment ratios. You were in. There is no getting out. You bastard, sooner or later you will have my face tatted on your man-boobies.

Guy McDowell

The Sigler commands, I will obey…..must tattoo moobs.:O





Like 2 join a cult



guys Cult is not encouraging to any one at all so stop preaching about it


Nicole yung

I want to be a cult member. Do you have to be Christianity to join up? Please I want to experience the cult way of living.


Um, seriously? Just so we’re clear, being in a real cult is like being in a medieval prison, only you think you really want to be there.

It’s one thing to associate yourself with people with common beliefs, but to hand over complete control of your life, and possibly death, to some delusional psychopath is NOT a good idea.



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