The last time I did a terrible movies post it was a list of the usual suspects: The Room, Troll 2 and Birdemic; all of which have walked the halls of shame many times before. The article attracted way more attention than I thought it would, and for that reason it’s time to serve up another course of cinematic sludge.
For as long as aspiring writers, directors and actors have been trying, others have been failing in their pursuit of making cinema that’s famous for all the right reasons. That means there are many more “so bad it’s good” films out there just waiting to be discovered and laughed at.
Miami Connection (1987) [IMDB]
Miami, an iconic city famous for its drug trade, criminals, art-deco architecture and beach culture also seems popular with rock bands that sing about loyalty, honesty and being “friends forever”. I’m fairly sure Dalton would have something to say about this:
Miami Connection is another of those “seen to be believed” films, I mean you only have to take one look at the film’s artwork to see where this is going. The film sees a martial arts rock band go up against a group of motorcycle ninjas and yes it’s as bad as it is enjoyable to watch.
Zombie 90: Extreme Pestilence (1991) [IMDB]
I’m truly disappointed that I haven’t been able to find a full copy of this hosted somewhere online, but we’ll have to make do with a short clip instead. Technically, creatively and objectively bad, Zombie 90: Extreme Pestilence ignites a smirk before you’ve even finished saying the movie’s name. To be fair, it was originally in German which explains the comedy dubbing you can see in the clip below which has white guys talking like the leading stars in a 1970s blaxploitation film. The story really doesn’t matter – something about a car crash and zombies happening – it attains greatness through its very failings as a production.
Ninja Terminator (1985) [IMDB]
I once purchased this film on DVD for 97 of the Queen’s pennies at a shop specializing in cut-price music and video, and my love for this film is unwavering after many years. Ninja Terminator is actually two films spliced together into one, which means that it makes virtually no sense. The characters “talk” to each other using spliced together phone call footage, complete with a somewhat out-of-place Garfield phone. This movie is everything a badly dubbed and clumsily spliced budget kung-fu movie should be, and you can watch it all below.
Science Crazed (c. 1991) [IMDB]
You know a film is bad when it’s filmed in one decade, then released on VHS the next, only to never see another official release after that. It’s almost as if someone has tried to scratch this one from the record books, but thanks to YouTube you can watch the whole thing. Lucky you.
The dubbing is on a par with Zombie 90, with disjointed dialogue cut into scenes that run into the 10 minute territory. You can actually recognize individual audio tracks thanks to the level of hiss in the background.
Computer Beach Party (1988) [IMDB]
A comedy that’s funny for way more than its wisecracking cast, Computer Beach Party is a 1988 film about saving a beach by having a party (of course). At the time it was easy to see how computers could excite an audience (and make attractive beach-going women weak at the knees), but the mix of buried treasure, nerds, confused dialogue and cutting edge computing results in scenes like this:
Much of the film comprises of footage of people on beaches (walking, jogging and doing other beach stuff) to the sounds of hair metal sensation Panther. Bad.
Fatal Deviation (1998) [IMDB]
Have you ever seen an Irish martial arts film? No? There’s probably a good reason for that – Fatal Deviation has already been there, and the results are not good at all. Featuring butch Irish blokes, a wizened old man and lines like “you make me look bad – and that’s not good”, this is one bad film.
It’s a cheap, very low-budget romp through the Irish countryside and the whole thing is on YouTube, rejoice!
Santa With Muscles (1996) [IMDB]
From the title to the premise to the acting, Santa With Muscles is a festive romp you can try to enjoy at any time of the year. Starring Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire with amnesia who believes he is Santa Claus, this train wreck of a 90s festive film did not reflect well on the wrestler at the time and it looks even worse by today’s “Jingle All The Way” standards.
Luckily someone has deemed it necessary to share this evil with the world and you can find the full film embedded below. The plot involves… actually, never mind.
Do you have any more suggestions for yet more bad films? Have you seen any of the above? Let us know what you think in the comments, below.