It’s been a few millenia since I took this gig, and I’m telling you, it’s getting boring. Same thing, day in and day out. First the hearse, then the crying, then those old hymns. Although, they do put a nice jazz swing in them in New Orleans.
Well, since I can’t take a vacation, what I need is a change. How about you live ones helping me out and maybe working one or two of these ideas into your funeral plans before I come to call? Come on, help an old friend out. Let’s put the fun back into funeral (ah, come on! You knew I was going to say it!)
If anybody is going to dance on your grave, it might as well be you! Before you die! Not only will this fine piece of death-inspired dance floor carry you to your final resting spot, it could help you pre-pay the bill – with a lot of ones and fives mind you. This and many other two-purpose toe-pinchers are available from CasketFurniture.
Maybe you want to rock the world one last time? Take a look at this fine, fretted final rester. You can get this from the folks over at CrazyCoffins. They have a bunch of unique ways to celebrate your life with your casket, and can custom build one to your exacting wishes.
Not so big on the burial idea? Is fire in your immediate afterlife plans? There is no end of ways to do something spectacular with your remains. For example you could go out with a bang! Really! Get your cremated remains, or cremains as we say in the biz, put into over 200 fireworks shells and give the left-behinds a good show. Finally a way to have the children view the funeral without getting creeped out, courtesy of Angels-Flight. Maybe bring some hot dogs and soda too.
I’ve been a fan of this one since the Big Guy began doing it with dinosaurs a bazillion years ago. Finally, Man figured out how to do it too. You can have some of your ashes made into something valuable. Not that YOU weren’t valuable, I’m just saying it’s something more enduring. Oh my, this is getting awkward. Ahem…finally become the diamond you always knew you could be over at LifeGem. It doesn’t do much for my bottom line, but you can also do this while you are alive with carbon from fingernails or hair clippings with Ashes2Gems.
How about sending your cremains to boldly go where no man has gone? You could get them sent into space like luminaries such as Gene Roddenberry with Celestis, or how about the more affordable option of a Star Trek licensed urn from ? Look at this glossy black beauty styled after the wicked cool photon torpedo. What? I can’t be a Trekker?
Stress is by far my best salesman. It’s amazing how many people are too busy working to live and end up with a 3 o’clock with me. If that’s your crowd, you may want to consider setting up a webcast of your funeral so all your sycophant friends can still pay their respects while trying to take the job vacancy you left.
My people at FuneralCast can set that up. Okay, enough social commentary. Really, this service is intended for people with loved ones around the world or who might be unable to make it because they are in a seniors home or similar situation.
You could also be like Gilligan or Lucy and live forever in reruns, thanks to the forward funeral thinking people at VidStone. Seriously, if I could actually die, this is what I would have on my marker. It can be set up to play back 5 to 8 minutes of video containing your most precious moments. Since kids are addicted to television, maybe they’ll drop by more often.
Well there it is warm ones, and there are even more ways than I can shake a sickle at to make your sending off something to celebrate the way you got there. Might as well live life to the fullest, even in the very last part of it.
Why don’t you write and let me know about you have planned? Maybe it’s entertainment worth waiting for, and I could swing you a few extra earth days with The Dude.
This has been a guest post by the Grim Reaper, in between episodes of “Family Guy”.