Your name is boring. I’m sorry to break this news to you, but it’s true. That is unless you either have strange parents who gave you a kooky name, or originate from a country where every name sounds weird and wonderful. The rest of us have to put up with a boring moniker for our entire lives.
The only real alternative to this dull fate is to change it legally, but ain’t nobody got time for that. It’s easier, and a lot more fun, to just go online and choose a new alias using one of the countless name generators available on the Internetz. Which is exactly what we’re going to do right now.
Stabbed myself in the eye with a mascara wand this morning. Pretty sure I’m blind now. May as well put on an eye patch and become a pirate.
— trouble (@amyistrouble) October 7, 2014
The pirates of old weren’t exactly nice people, but time has lessened their malice to the point at which Johnny Depp can portray an infamous pirate as a camp, bumbling, drunken fool. And who wouldn’t want to be a pirate if the vision that Depp and his Hollywood cohorts present to the world is even remotely accurate.
My Pirate Name: Owen ‘Landlubber’ Peacock
Near death metal pic.twitter.com/gWVvuoQTm3
— Andreia (@KidAndreia) October 5, 2014
Black metal isn’t exactly a mainstream musical genre, but who hasn’t imagined dressing in dark clothes, donning face paint, and singing/screaming about evil at least once in their lives. Oh, just me then. Fair enough. Even if you don’t like the music, you may at least find your new black metal name intriguing.
My Metal Name: Hellum Davenium Balvras
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money…
— female struggles (@omgfuncomedy) October 11, 2014
Fairies are mythical creatures that don’t get the attention they deserve. While vampires, zombies, and werewolves are always having books written and movies made about them, fairies sit on the sidelines waiting for their turn to shine. Create a fairy name, own it, and you could help make fairies popular once again.
My Fairy Name: Water Elftwigs
Never be too quick to judge, unless the person has never seen Star Wars.
— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) October 10, 2014
It has been almost 40 years since the first Star Wars movie debuted in theaters, and yet the popularity of this franchise shows no sign of waning. In fact, with the new Disney-made, J.J. Abrams-directed Star Wars movie being released in 2015, now is the perfect time to discover your Jedi name. Use
the force this website.
My Jedi Name: Parda Halon of the planet Adderall!
Actually, THIS might be the worst superhero name ever. pic.twitter.com/529q5kOj7P
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) October 10, 2014
Superheroes don’t actually exist in real life. I know, it’s hard to believe this is the case, especially with the recent rise in popularity of the Marvel and DC characters from comic books. Unfortunately, Iron Man is just Robert Downey Jr. in a plastic suit. But you, you could be a real superhero, or at least adopt the name of one.
My Superhero Name: Neptune Shadow
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
— Sophia Jackson (@imSophiaJackson) October 11, 2014
John Travolta made a terrible gaffe when he introduced a performance of Let It Go from Frozen during the Academy Awards. The Broadway actress’ actual name is Idina Menzel, but Travolta introduced her as “Adele Dazeem” instead. Now you too can see what John Travolta would call you were you to perform at the Oscars.
My Travolta Name: Dan Parkinsmack
When someone says the hobbit is better than Lord of the Rings pic.twitter.com/3fFwL1UnGX
— LOTR Reactions (@LOTRReactss) October 10, 2014
Whether you love or hate J.R.R. Tolkien, creator of The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings, you cannot fault his talent for naming things. The people, places, battles, and races in his magnificent tomes all possess beautifully bizarre names. Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield spring to mind. But what is your Tolkien name?
My Tolkien Name: Arien Elentári
Charles Dickens, I feel your pain. pic.twitter.com/AnSVuS5aoO
— Lexi Mainland (@lexinyt) October 7, 2014
Charles Dickens is another writer who possessed an enviable talent for conjuring magnificent names out of thin air. Who could forget Ebenezer Scrooge or Nicholas Nickleby, as just two examples? And now you can find out what your name would be if you had been a fictional character in a book by Charles Dickens.
My Dickens Name: Garish Squealingborne
Ebola? Is that a new Pokemon?
— Pikachu (@Piiiikaachu) October 11, 2014
Pokémon remains an insanely popular gaming franchise despite having been around since 1996. Several generations have been able to enjoy the experience of catching and nurturing these little pocket monsters. Pokémon aren’t real, but you can at least discover your Pokémon name with this cool name generator.
My Pokémon Name: Moomon
Got an email titled “Need translators,” but read it as “Nerd translators” — first thought: “This is the perfect job for me!”
— Matt Shipman (@ShipLives) October 9, 2014
We end with the one name generator on this list guaranteed to appeal to everybody reading this. Because you’re all nerds. That’s no longer an offensive name, with nerds now able to wear that badge with pride. So, you’re a nerd, but you may not have a nerdy name. Let’s fix that with this nerd name generator.
My Nerd Name: Poindexter, the Multics Introvert
What Is Your Favorite Name Generator?
Did you try all of the online name generators listed above? If so, what was your favorite? Alternatively, as this is just a selection of the numerous name generators available online, perhaps you have another one you prefer. In which case, tell us about it in the comments below.
This is all meant to be just a little bit of fun, so we don’t recommend you actually go around using the new aliases you discovered from any of these online name generators in real life. Potential employers may not take too kindly to you using your black metal name or fairy name on an application form.
Image Credit: Harsha K R via Flickr