We’re now well into the new year, which means you’ll have a good idea whether or not you’re going to be able to stick to your resolutions this time around. We wish you well.
However, alongside the more serious attempts to improve oneself are the silly new year’s resolutions. Which is what we’re focusing on today in this week’s Weird & Wonderful Web.
These are all utterly bizarre resolutions made on Twitter in the run up to the new year. They’re probably all jokes, but there is always a chance these people are being deadly serious.
#NewYearsResolution petition the Queen to try and get James Bond to root a bloke in the next movie
— Jo Geiszler (@boganjustice) December 29, 2014
The Queen of England is clearly in charge of deciding who James Bond sleeps with in each new movie. And her loyal subjects wouldn’t have it any other way.
What Are You Waiting For?
#NewYearsResolution ..stop procrastinating ????
— Ron (@lazyronstudios) December 26, 2014
The irony is rich with this one. Someone who actually wanted to stop procrastinating would get on and do so rather than waste time tweeting.
Dying To Sell
My #NewYearsResolution ? Not die. Oh and list or sell a million dollar home. That too.
— Will Ritter (@RadicalREagent) December 29, 2014
The first is one the vast majority of people share. The second, well, that only applies to estate agents.
Bacon Is Life
#NewYearsResolution Eat less bacon EDIT: Less is more so “Eat more bacon”
— Jake from State Farm (@iGrowBeard) December 29, 2014
Like this guy, I could never promise to eat less bacon. That’s just madness.
#NewYearsResolution not speaking on it, just doing it ????
— L O A D I N G…. (@TwatchThisWiWi) December 29, 2014
This person failed to stick to their new year’s resolution even before the new year began, tweeting about just doing stuff rather than just doing stuff.
My #NewYearsResolution will be to read articles completely and close tabs and not let them linger throughout the day.
— u?s???u??S pou?? (@VinVasan) December 29, 2014
I’m sure there a few MakeUseOf readers who share similar thoughts. As long as MakeUseOf articles are given priority, of course.
The Owl Police
#NewYearsResolution Fight crime by teaching owls to shout “crime” at anyone breaking the law.
— Rachel Handley (@flergh) December 29, 2014
It could work, I suppose. If a) owls had the capacity to talk, b) the ability to recognize when crimes are being committed, and c) could be everywhere at all times. So, no.
Patience Is A Virtue
#NewYearsResolution waiting for FB videos to load before I get pissed off at their existence.
— Curtis Silver (@cebsilver) December 29, 2014
That’s just impossible. So give up now and continue to get p***ed off at their existence.
I’m going to lessen the number of times I sexually proposition dolphins. #NewYearsResolution
— Michael Clear (@MichaelClear) December 31, 2014
Dolphins everywhere are celebrating this news with wild abandon.
#NewYearsResolution I will wear the same bikini in all my selfies
— Joel Marsh Garland (@joelmgarland) December 31, 2014
Good luck with that one, Joel. But please, for all our sakes, don’t post the resulting series of selfies to Twitter.
#NewYearsResolution Increase my relationship status from Forever Alone to Slightly Desperate.
— Ink (@Ink184) December 31, 2014
It may not be the most ambitious of plans, but it is at least a start.
#NewYearsResolution learn the difference between ‘effect’ and ‘affect’. Learn how to clone Nutella. Buy a boat. Preferably inflatable.
— Jordie (@BarstoolJordie) December 31, 2014
Buy a dictionary, mix hazelnut syrup into chocolate spread, and do a quick search on eBay. Sorted.
#NewYearsResolution learn how to twerk.
— Hafa Adai ?? (@LuisJavin) December 31, 2014
If you don’t know how to twerk by now then I suggest you give up trying to learn and instead wait for the next ridiculous dance craze to come along.
That’s So Punny
#NewYearsResolution stay in drugs and don’t do school
— Dale (@mattdale95) December 31, 2014
This may well be a golden oldie repeated by some wag or other each and every new year. But having not heard it before, I must admit to rather enjoying it.
My #NewYearsResolution is to be more like Lloyd Braun.
— Laura Morgan (@MauraLorgan) December 31, 2014
Seinfeld fans are currently grinning, while the rest of the population are wondering who Lloyd Braun is.
My #NewYearsResolution is to make an actual resolution sometime before next September. I’ll have to set a reminder on my calendar.
— Jossy D (@JossyD13) December 31, 2014
That is some solid procrastination right there. Still, if it works then perhaps September resolutions could become a new tradition.
To never buy food that isn’t on special offer. #NewYearsResolution
— david hales (@westhamster2) December 31, 2014
With so many BOGOF offers around these days achieving this is entirely possible. And you’re likely to discover new foods in the process. I’m in.
This year Im going to be taller! #NewYearsResolution
— Matt (@TheBookOfMatt_) December 31, 2014
Who wants to have a bet with me on this one? I’ll stake some serious cash on him achieving his goal.
Last years resolution was 1080p. This year I’m bumping it up. Let’s go 4K! #NewYearsResolution
— Javan Eskander (@SteppingHat) December 31, 2014
We see what you did there. And this was just one of the countless similar tweets purposely confusing the two meanings of the word “resolution.”
He’s Not Fussy
— Carlos Quintanilla (@krliteaux) December 29, 2014
It’s short, it’s not particularly sweet, and it’s out of his control whether he manages to achieve his goal or not. Still, you’ve got to have a dream.
Have You Made A Strange Resolution?
So, you’ve heard what strange resolutions people have been making on Twitter, and now it’s your turn to get involved. Simply take to the comments section below and tell us either what you think of the new year’s resolutions revealed above, or, even better, reveal your own peculiar new year’s resolution(s).
We promise not to laugh at how ridiculous they are, at least to your faces. But we cannot make any such promises about the reaction you’ll get in MakeUseOf’s virtual offices. Still, it’s good to laugh. So much so that perhaps that should be my own personal resolution as we head deeper into the new year.
Image Credit: Eli Christman via Flickr