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Apple gets religious, Microsoft smashes Windows, Google takes a day off, Facebook culls Friends, vowels get banned, and MakeUseOf announces new offshoots.

Apple Officially Becomes a Religion

Apple has officially become a religion, making the transition from technology company to technology cult. Apple already has places of worship in the form of Apple Stores, and many millions of followers who line up each Saturday Why You Should Never Queue For New Gadgets [Opinion] Why You Should Never Queue For New Gadgets [Opinion] I personally cannot fathom the mindset of people who queue for the latest gadget on launch day. I've tried, I really have, but I think it's a bizarre choice to queue up for hours or... Read More to pay their respects.

As part of the transition, the company/cult has released a holy book detailing the story of how Apple was founded in the Garage of Jobs. Followers will now be officially known as Fanboys Goodbye, Apple Fanboys: Is The Internet Falling Out Of Love With Cupertino? Goodbye, Apple Fanboys: Is The Internet Falling Out Of Love With Cupertino? Recent headlines make us wonder: is Apple finally losing its sheen? Are the fanboys disappearing? Read More , even if they’re actually girls. God will be renamed iGod to ensure the branding remains consistent.

Apple CEO Tom Cack said, “We realized a few years ago that with so many people around the world slavishly following our every move this was a good opportunity to start our own religion. The added bonus being how generous the tax breaks are for religions. Because we want more money. Give us money. Now.

Microsoft Calls Time on Windows 10

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We can exclusively reveal that Microsoft has cancelled Windows 10 Windows 10 In Pictures - A Guided Tour Of The Technical Preview Windows 10 In Pictures - A Guided Tour Of The Technical Preview The Windows 10 Technical Preview is now available to everyone. Some bugs aside, it does look promising. We'll guide you through the new Windows one screenshot at a time. Read More , deciding that people just don’t care enough about the new operating system for them to carry on making the effort. Instead, the company will simply re-release Windows 8.1 Windows 8.1 Update Is Here! What It Is & How To Get It Now Windows 8.1 Update Is Here! What It Is & How To Get It Now Curious about the latest Windows 8.1 Update or not sure what this is about? KB2919355 is a cumulative update that comes with useful features. It can also be removed in case it causes issues. Read More with Windows 10 branding plastered on the boxes, and hope for the best. It’s believed most people won’t even notice the difference.

Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballbag said, “Why did they get rid of me and promote that Nadella guy instead. He is so boring with his sensible business decisions and forward-thinking attitude. What the world needs are larger-than-life company bosses who dance around on stage screaming at the top of their lungs. Oh, Windows 10? What? I really don’t care, I still use XP myself.

Google Does Nothing For a Whole Day

Google has finally had a day off, with all of its employees banned from doing anything worthwhile or working on Google+ anything pointless. This means no new products no one wants will be announced, and no old services everybody loves Reader Is Dead: What Technology Could Google Kill Next & How Can You Protect Yourself? Reader Is Dead: What Technology Could Google Kill Next & How Can You Protect Yourself? First they came for Buzz and no one cared. Then they came for Notebook. Now they've come for Reader. What technology will Google take away from you next? This article explains several Google technologies that... Read More will be killed off for no apparent reason.

Google Chairman Eric Schitt stated, “We felt people may be getting bored of us actually doing stuff 365 days of the year, so we called a temporary halt to proceedings. We’re planning on sitting in our plush offices twiddling our thumbs for the next 24 hours, but if an employee creates a thumb-twiddling app to do the hard work for them they’ll be fired on the spot.

Facebook No Longer Has Any ‘Friends’

Facebook has finally admitted the truth that the rest of the world realized a long time ago, conceding that your “friends” on the social networking site probably aren’t actually your friends. To this end, it has changed ‘Friends’ to ‘Random-strangers-you-may-or-may-not-have-known-once-upon-a-time-but-now-don’t-care-one-iota-about’ Which is catchy.

Facebook CEO Mark Suckerberg admitted, “I’m lonely. Very lonely. Which, if I’m honest, is why I started Facebook in the first place. Sadly, despite having collected 1.4 billion friends on Facebook I still sit alone each evening eating a ready meal for one while watching Extreme Couponing. Can I get a hug?” We quickly made our excuses and left, while Suckerberg blew his nose using $100 dollar bills.

Technology Startups Ban Vowels

After the success of Tumblr, Flickr, Grindr, and other tech companies that dropped a vowel from their name for no apparent reason, the technology industry has created its own law banning startups from using vowels entirely. And it’s being applied retroactively, meaning all tech companies must comply with the new ruling.

This means that Google will soon be known as Ggl, Apple will become Ppl, Yahoo will become Yh, Microsoft will become Mcrsft, and Instagram will become Nstgrm. Even MakeUseOf itself may be forced to change its name to Mksf.

An unnamed industry insider told us, “We realize this makes it almost impossible to pronounce the names of any tech companies, but we don’t really care. The future is all about consonants, with vowels having outstayed their welcome. Because we said so. Nw pls lv m ln s m vry bsy.

MakeUseOf Announces More Offshoots

And finally, this time last year we announced a number of new MakeUseOf offshoots Apple Doubles Prices, Microsoft Hates You, Google (GL)Ass, TwitFace [Tech News Digest] Apple Doubles Prices, Microsoft Hates You, Google (GL)Ass, TwitFace [Tech News Digest] Apple doubles its prices, Microsoft admits it hates you all, Google reveals (GL)Ass, Facebook and Twitter merge into TwitFace, annoying couple launch vague Kickstarter, MakeUseOf broadens its appeal, and the best 'And Finally' ever. Read More that we felt would appeal to our core readership. They all failed. Every single one of them. But, undeterred, we’re trying again with a handful of new spin-offs that almost sound as if they’ve been made up by someone still drinking their first cup of coffee of the day.

BakeMeCake – How to bake cakes of all different styles.
TakeAbuseFrom – Where the abusive commenters are left to battle it out.
ShakeItOff – All Taylor Swift, all the time. At least until she dumps us.
MakeUseJoff – Where King Joffrey from Game of Thrones ended up after dying.
FakeNewsOf – Covering fake news stories and non-existent apps since 2015.
WakeMeUpBeforeYouGoGo – George Michael & Andrew Ridgeley talk Wham.

You can sign up to the beta versions of any or all of these new sites by emailing our tech guy James Bruce (jamesbruce@makeuseof.com). He really loves talking to readers, and will happily spend hours conversing with you about anything and everything. But please do be nice to him, sending compliments rather than complaints, or he’ll probably kick me.

Your Views on Today’s Tech News

Does Apple have enough clout to start its own religion? Are those people you follow on Facebook actually your friends? Do you have your own ideas for MakeUseOf offshoots?

Let us know your thoughts on the Tech News of the day by posting to the comments section below. Because a healthy discussion is always welcome.

Oh, and Happy April Fools’ Day.

Image Credit: Peter Werkman via Flickr

  1. Ethan Dunwill
    April 30, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Lol, you've made my day, guys. Even if it's not April 1st. But about Apple and religion, it actually kinf of true already.

  2. Pat
    April 2, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    Hmmm...acronyms...
    Mksf = making square footage (need more in Hawaii)
    Ppl = people (very appropriate)
    Ggl = gigolo (also very appropriate)
    Mcrsft = macro software fault tolerance

  3. John Williams
    April 2, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Apple Fools Day! And Widows 10 really is 8.1 reskinned - no kidding ....

  4. bob
    April 1, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    I think Apple becoming a religion is not a joke...if Apple start claiming that Steve Jobs was god and that the Apple's stores were churches. I think all of their fans would completely buy it....After all, Apple have the capability to do it......scary.....

  5. dragonmouth
    April 1, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Yuk, yuk, yuk.

  6. rydlgd@yahoo.com
    April 1, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    BakeMeCake sounds like good idea actually lol

  7. Seb
    April 1, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    i bet the windows 10 thing is an Aprils fools joke

    • Duy K. Bui
      April 1, 2015 at 2:59 pm

      And the rest are not? LOL.

    • Callum
      April 1, 2015 at 3:08 pm

      "Oh, and Happy April Fools’ Day."

      Clue...?

  8. washington
    April 1, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    LOL I almost buy it.

  9. likefunbutnot
    April 1, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    How long will it be before we have the Apple Faithful denying there has ever been such a thing as lowercase letters on a keyboard? Which US state will be the first to adopt the entirely uppercase Alphabet that Glorious Jobs clearly intended when he created English and gave it to the world?

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