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Today in Tech News Digest, Apple doubles its prices, Microsoft hates you all, Google reveals (GL)Ass, Facebook and Twitter become TwitFace, an annoying couple launch a vague Kickstarter, MakeUseOf broadens its appeal, and the truth is revealed.

Apple To Double All Prices

Apple has announced a plan to double prices for all its products, in an attempt to wring the most money possible from its customers. Products affected include the Mac, the iPhone, the iPad, the iEye, the iLie, the iWiFiHiFi, and the iWhyOhWhyOhWhy.

An imaginary Apple spokesperson reportedly said, “We recently noticed that our customers are willing to buy any and all products we release, regardless of how overpriced they may be. So we thought why not double the prices in order to truly take advantage of their unswerving fandom and willingness to write blank checks in our name.

Apple is currently worth 100 gazillion bajillion dollars. Apple customers are not.

Microsoft Hates You All

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Microsoft hates you all, according to a statement not released today. New CEO Sadya Nutella revealed his stewardship of the company will be dedicated to honesty and truthfulness on all levels – even if that means abusing customers.

Microsoft hates you all. Yes, each and every one of you,” the announcement said. “You are just numbers on a financial report released every quarter, and as long as you keep buying copies of Windows and Office we don’t care even one iota.

A journalist then asked Nutella how Bing was performing, to which he replied he would have to Google the answer. He also admitted preferring the PS4 Sony PlayStation 4 Review And Giveaway Sony PlayStation 4 Review And Giveaway Ladies and gentlemen, the next generation of video game consoles is here, with the Sony PlayStation 4! Read More to the Xbox One Microsoft Xbox One Review And Giveaway Microsoft Xbox One Review And Giveaway The console wars are officially raging, and we've had sufficient time with both of them. That begs the question: how does the Xbox One compare? Read More but accepted that Titanfall was da bomb.

Google (GL)Ass Makes Its Debut

Google has released details of its latest non-existent wearable device. Following on from Google Glass Google Glass Review and Giveaway Google Glass Review and Giveaway We were lucky enough to get a pair of Google Glass to review, and we're giving it away! Read More and the Android Wear Google Android Wear, Moto 360 & LG G Watch, PS4 Virtual Reality [Tech News Digest] Google Android Wear, Moto 360 & LG G Watch, PS4 Virtual Reality [Tech News Digest] Android Wear for wearables, Moto 360 and LG G Watch, the NSA is MYSTIC, Xbox One expansion plan, PlayStation 4 virtual reality headsets, LINE Call for international chats, and the 'Unnumbered Sparks' art installation. Read More operating system comes Google (GL)Ass, which, as its name suggests, attaches to your ass. The (GL) stands for ‘Good Looking’, as Google believes the product helps augment the aesthetic appeal of your rear end.

Alongside the hardware, Google also announced a new range of apps meant just for (GL)Ass. These will be available via an Ass Store on Google Play and will include a fart strength-o-meter and a virtual reality colonoscopy game. When asked to comment on the (GL)Ass, Google told us to DuckDuckGo away.

Facebook and Twitter Merge Into TwitFace

Facebook and Twitter have announced a merger no one, not even themselves, saw coming. The merger is happening later today (April 1) under cover of darkness to ensure Jesse Eisenberg and the Fail Whale aren’t able to team up and stop it.

The newly merged company will be called TwitFace. This name was agreed upon after much debate, by me, sitting on the toilet. Other options included FaceTwit, BookTwit, FaceTwittBookEr, and Brian. CEO Marky Suckerberg declined the invitation to comment, claiming he was too busy counting his millions of dollars and practicing his evil laugh.

Annoying Couple Launch Kickstarter

A super annoying couple have launched a Kickstarter campaign 7 Ways To Discover Cool Kickstarter Projects Before Anyone Else 7 Ways To Discover Cool Kickstarter Projects Before Anyone Else It's easier to search for interesting projects on the site. We've come up with a list of seven ways to discover interesting and new projects on Kickstarter before anyone else does. Read More to raise money for something or other. Unfortunately, they’re too annoying for any member of the tech press to have sat through the campaign video or read far enough through the accompanying text to figure out what solution they have found for a problem that doesn’t exist.

The couple, who don’t actually reside on our plane of existence, did however grant MakeUseOf an exclusive interview, saying, “We need money, bad. Please give us money. Now. We’ll be forever grateful and may even send you a pen with our annoying faces on as thanks for your generous pledges. But probably not.

MakeUseOf Announces Punny Offshoots

MakeUseOf X Seldom-known Awesome Tools To Optimize Windows X Seldom-known Awesome Tools To Optimize Windows Read More is adding various offshoots to the main website. They’re all based on terrible puns of the MakeUseOf name and will not be read by anyone, but that’s immaterial. The offshoot sites launching tomorrow include:

MakeJuiceOf – Random ingredients are turned into juice drinks.
CakeUseOf – Random ingredients are turned into cakes.
TakeShoesOff – Tips on how to steal footwear from your favorite celebrities.
ShakeBoozeOff – Hangover cures concocted from whatever we find in the fridge.
MakeUseGoth – MakeUseOf, but with black text on a black background.
MakeUseHoff – Written entirely by David Hasselhoff, because why not?

MakeUseOf Managing Editor Ryan ‘Doobie’ Dude announced the move from his camper van parked somewhere in California, where he grows his hair down to his waist, listens to Jimi Hendrix, and generally lives as if the Summer of Love never ended.

When asked to comment Dude said, “It’s all good, man. I mean, like, wow, right on,” before adding, “Make love, not war,” for no apparent reason. Dude denies having dreamed up these offshoots while high as a kite on the marijuana, or whatever it is you young whippersnappers smoke these days.

The Shocking Truth

And finally, apropos of nothing, we would like to wish all of our readers a happy and fruitful April Fools’ Day. And if you believed any of the stories in this edition of Tech News Digest then please hand your geek card in to the nearest responsible adult before seeking professional help for your lack of mental acuity.

Tech News Digest… Faking News In Bite-Sized Chunks.

Image Credit: Pascal via Flickr

  1. Guy M
    April 2, 2014 at 12:36 am

    MakeJuiceOf and ShakeBoozeOff could link back and forth to infinity! And they actually seem like something one might find on the Web.
    Good for a chuckle. I lobed it, too!

  2. Steve G
    April 1, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    You know what though, any of these could be made to be true which is scary. Still, I had to laugh since I clicked into the link thinking true stories.

  3. Shawn R
    April 1, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Dave P - I knew it when I saw Microsoft Hates You. I'm like Tom W - I was hoping the Apple story was true.

  4. Tom W
    April 1, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    I didn't even reach the end of the first sentence before I realised that none of these would be real. The fact that I didn't get it from the first title just goes to show my bias against Apple.

    Seriously though, I expect MakeUseGoth to be a real thing. A lot of people find that black backgrounds cause less eye strain.

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      I had a feeling you would see through it quickly!

      Black backgrounds may cause less eyestrain but it wouldn't be much good with black text as well ;)

    • Tom W
      April 1, 2014 at 10:33 pm

      You mean some people can't read black text on a black background? Now I'm starting to understand why my websites don't get much traffic!

  5. Shawn Rosvold
    April 1, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Very good!

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 6:21 pm

      Thank you. How far did you get before realizing it was a joke?

  6. Ginoize
    April 1, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    MakeJesusOff - technews from the vatican

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      I'm glad you suggested that rather than me :)

  7. Skun QS
    April 1, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    I lobed reading this article and I guess the seo rank of makeuseof.com just dropped by 50% for fake content or whatever ;p

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      If that's the case then so did the rank of every other technology site that posted an April Fools' Day joke. Which is the majority of them!

      I'm glad you "lobed" it though. I think.

    • Skun QS
      April 1, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      What a typo, lol
      I loved it

  8. Shane C
    April 1, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    i think makeusehoff would have been an awesome site to visit! hahaha yes makeusehoff has to happen!!!

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      Unfortunately I think the Hoff would charge too much money for his writing skills. We're cheap.

  9. SSK
    April 1, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Man, I believed everything :)
    Kidding!

    Happy April Fool's Day to you too Dave P :)

    • Dave P
      April 1, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      I'm intrigued to know how far you got down the page before realizing...

    • SSK
      April 1, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      I believed the Apple bit, but "Nutella" caught my eye.

      But, I seriously wished the punny offshoots were real :)

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