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This is a post about going potty.

Excuse me, we’re all adults here. This is a post about peeing and using your Android device to help you do so.

Can’t imagine how? That little gadget you’re lugging around can help you do everything from find the nearest stall to fool someone into believing you have to go when you really don’t. The Play Store is overflowing with options.

1) Finding A Bathroom

So you’re out checking out the Lincoln Memorial and, just like that, you realize that you have to go. Or you find that your kid is tugging at your sleeve with their knees buckled together. Uh oh. Where is the nearest potty, stat?

Numerous apps can help with this task, but many of them still think Gingerbread is the newest version of Android Phoenix: An App Launcher That Simulates ICS On Gingerbread [Android] Phoenix: An App Launcher That Simulates ICS On Gingerbread [Android] Read More . Among the ones I tried, SitOrSquat from Charmin had the best blend of usefulness and aesthetics. And user feedback has been packed into the experience. Bathrooms with positive ratings (yes, people review everything these days) get a green “sit” toilet paper icon, while less pleasant locations are marked with a red “squat” roll.

BathroomAndroidApps-SitOrSquat

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If you absolutely cannot look past the Charmin branding, then Bathroom Scout is an older app that will point you in the right direction. You just have to deal with its outdated interface. Free Pee is an alternative that sports a modern look, but I found its database to be far too inadequate. Keep an eye on this one, though, as it could be a delight to use once more bathrooms are logged (and you’re welcome to help add them yourself).

Download: SitOrSquat for Android (Free)

Download: Bathroom Scout for Android (Free | Pro $1.36)

Download: Free Pee for Android (Free)

2) Fooling Someone into Thinking You Had to Go

Have you ever told someone you had to go to the bathroom just to get away, only to find that they escorted you and waited outside the door? Worse, maybe they’re in the next stall over. You can’t have them knowing you’re a big, fibbing liar.

In that instance, pull out Pee Button. This app does only one thing: make pee sounds. It comes with four different sound effects, so hopefully one will match the sound of your stream (in case that’s not enough, Pee Starter comes with five). Though if someone knows you well enough to recognize the sound of your flow, then they already know you were lying.

BathroomAndroidApps-Pee-Button

Maybe it’s time to admit you only went to the bathroom to hide your gadgets 6 Places To Hide Your HDDs & Memory Cards When You're Out Of Town 6 Places To Hide Your HDDs & Memory Cards When You're Out Of Town You're going on holiday, leaving your computer and a vast treasure of irreplaceable data behind for a few days. What should you do in case of burglary or worse? Read More .

Download: Pee Button for Android (Free)

Download: Pee Starter for Android (Free)

3) Getting Started

Sometimes the pipes are clogged. It happens to the best of us. You’re standing or sitting there, waiting for the water that a few moments ago forced you to go looking for the nearest toilet, only to find that now it seems to have tucked itself back into storage — maybe you didn’t drink as much water as you thought you did Make Sure You Drink Enough Water With These Free Apps [Android] Make Sure You Drink Enough Water With These Free Apps [Android] It is easy to forget to drink enough, especially in winter time, and especially if you’re not very physically active. But it is important to take in enough water, both for weight loss and just... Read More ?

For those moments, you might want to have Trouble Peeing? handy. Open the app, tap on the toilet, and listen to the sound of running water coming through your earphones. Stare at the never-ending waterfall, and hopefully your body gets the idea.

BathroomAndroidApps-Trouble-Starting

Alternatively, you can check out either of the apps mentioned in the previous section. The sound of pee might be the best way to lure your own pee out of hiding.

Download: Trouble Peeing? for Android (Free)

4) Learning How to Go

No, this section isn’t titled for you, dear reader. It’s for the little one sitting next to you, the kid that led you to download all of those baby-related Android apps 4 Android Apps to Help Parents Take Care of Their Babies 4 Android Apps to Help Parents Take Care of Their Babies If you're the parent of an infant, these apps could really help you out! Read More . They’re getting older, aren’t they? Is it time to set those diapers aside?

In that case, Potty Time can be their personal aid in this important journey. It includes eBooks and videos to help them stay motivated, and there are digital stickers you can use to track their progress.

BathroomAndroidApps-Potty-Time

At this age, they’re already reaching for the tablet anyway. Maybe it’s time to hand them something other than games Top 5 Android Games To Entertain Toddlers & Young Children Top 5 Android Games To Entertain Toddlers & Young Children Ever been stuck in a situation where you needed to keep your children entertained for long spans of time? These apps can help with that. Read More . Just keep a close eye on them the entire time. This is risky business.

Download: Potty Time for Android (Free with in-app purchases)

5) Marking Your Territory

All throughout the animal kingdom, creatures use their urine to mark their territory. Humans can do the same, but unfortunately our sense of smell isn’t quite developed enough for us to keep track of conquered locations on our own. That’s where Places I’ve Peed could come in handy, only I couldn’t get that app to work. But I had no problem with Poop Map, which comes from the same developer.

Every time you relieve yourself somewhere new, fire up the app and mark the location on the map. Then smile satisfyingly as you cover the neighborhood. And while there aren’t many other users out there, you’re welcome to compete with the world as though it were a game 5 Gaming Achievements That Are Close To Impossible 5 Gaming Achievements That Are Close To Impossible That's right, this is a challenge from me to you. I'll bet all my marbles that no one reading this article has (fairly) earned any of the achievements you're about to read into. Read More .

BathroomAndroidApps-Poop-Map

Neither app has received an update in a while, and they don’t have a wide userbase, so don’t be upset if things don’t work. That’s just the way things are sometimes when you come across software from a small developer who may have moved on.

Download: Poop Map for Android (Free)

Download: Place I’ve Peed for Android (Free)

Now Don’t You Feel Better?

I hope so. Don’t forget to wash your hands, and while you shouldn’t submerge the thing, it may be prudent to wipe your phone or tablet down as well.

While we’re on the subject, what apps do you take with you into the bathroom? There’s no reason to be bashful. These days, we’re all doing it. Share your favorites below, even if they don’t specifically have anything to do with going number one or two.

  1. Tommy
    May 8, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Why do you say "go to the bathroom" when it actually is the toilet you are going to? And in most the cases when using public "bathrooms" (toilets) there is no bathroom at all, just a toilet. You are funny.

    • Tinkicker
      May 8, 2015 at 11:48 am

      It's colloquial. May not be correct, but in some places it's the norm. Like where I'm from, no matter what soft drink you're talking about, the question is, "Want a Coke?"
      One distantly-related app to these that I've used quite a bit is Run Pee. This guy, his sister and his mom go and review every movie that comes out and then they give you a breakdown for each and every time you can run pee during the show and not miss anything important :D

    • dragonmouth
      May 8, 2015 at 12:31 pm

      "Why do you say “go to the bathroom” when it actually is the toilet"
      "Bathroom" is a euphemism for "toilet" from the days when bodily functions were never discussed. Besides, in most houses/homes/apartments the toilet is located in the bathroom.

  2. dragonmouth
    May 7, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    These apps are a pisser. :P

    • Alan
      May 8, 2015 at 3:19 am

      More a load of crap than Pisser.

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